Frustrated

When I was 26 years old I took on the responsibility of being my mom's caregiver. Now, at first that only meant having her live with me. I didn't change my lifestyle completely at the time. I still went out with friends constantly and lived my own life. But slowly I started living more her life. I felt bad if I left the house to do something without her. I felt bad if I was doing something she didn't like, you know, things I had a right to do because I was an adult, but things she didn't like. I started to feel like I was 16 years old again.

Here I am 10 years later, and I'm raising children with her in the house, and I still feel like I'm 16 years old. I feel like every decision I make has to be OK'd by her. If my kids ask me permission for something, if she's there I look to her to make sure she's OK with it. I HATE that. Why can't I be an adult and stop looking for her approval before I do something? She doesn't necessarily expect me to get her approval, though she does give a good guilt trip if she doesn't like my decisions. But for crying out loud, when will I take my life into my own hands again? I don't like my kids thinking they should ask Granny not mom. And they do. If she and I are in the same room and one of my kids comes in looking for permission, they say, "Granny, is it alright if..." I'm standing right there, and they don't even give me a second thought. This is my fault, I need to take charge here. I'm so weak and wuss like.

And now, my dad is here. He's driving me INSANE! He was NEVER there for me. He was not a parent. He left when I was 4. He was a jerk the whole time I was growing up. He doesn't have the first clue about how to parent, let alone how to have a decent relationship with anyone. He says the rudest things to people, and is so judgemental. And now he's doing it to my kids and I am hating him for it! And he's made snide remarks to me and my mom, and I'm sick of it!! Who does he think he is coming into my life all of a sudden and thinking he has the right to put any of us down? He's the jerk who got fired and now can't take care of himself and has nobody willing to help him! I find myself confronting him like I never used to, and he doesn't like it. Any time I confront him and make him explain why he just made a rude comment about someone in my family, he leaves. Good.

I look at friends and cousins and people my age, and I see them being the adults in their families, and being who they should be at this age. Why can't I make the change in my life to be that? Decisions about my kids should be mine and only mine, and I shouldn't feel the need to look to my mom for permission. It's not like she's all knowing and superior, she should be Granny. God help me!

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I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch
pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night,
then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers,
year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies.
I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity.
She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.