Cami

I’ll never forget the first night Cami was with us. Her case manager brought her to the house, and she was bawling. She DID NOT want to live in Nampa! She was angry to be moved to a home so far from her friends, and I found out years later, that when she heard we had a baby in the house she was even more upset. They brought her piles and piles of stuff into our living room, it was late evening, and she looked so vulnerable. I felt an instant connection with her. I went to Wal-Mart to get her some towels of her own and a few other things she would need, and I picked up a card with Piglet on it because she’d mentioned liking pigs. When I got home and gave her the card she cried some more and told me she loved Piglet.
She started school two days later at the high school, and she was scared. In Boise she’d been in Junior High, but our ninth grade is in High School, so this was an even greater change for her. She told me she wasn’t going to bother making any friends because she already had enough friends at her old school and she didn’t need any more. I told her I bet she’d make at least seven friends on her first day. It was funny because she was so determined to be mad and hate living here. She got home from school and very reluctantly told me that she’d made exactly seven friends.
The first few weeks she tried real hard not to like anyone in the house. But one day, she was passing by when I was playing with Will, who was not even a year old yet, and she tickled him. He laughed his oh so irresistible laugh, and it was all over. She melted right before my eyes. From that moment on, they were bonded for life. To this day, if he gets mad at me all he wants to do is call Cami, and Will is one of the first people she asks about when she calls. She would play with him for hours, carry him around like he was hers, blows bubbles with him, bathe him, feed him, dress him, she wouldn’t let the other kids touch him.
She also started to feel a connection with me. You could tell because she sought me out to talk to about everything and nothing. She started calling me “mom” by her second week with me. Her aunt told me she had never called anyone else mom that fast, and there was only one other foster mom she’d used that name for. I was honored. I didn’t really know what I’d done to make her feel that way she did, I treated her like I did all my other kids. She told me, again years later, that I never acted like this was a job, but that all my kids really were my family and that made a difference to her. She’d felt like all her other homes treated foster care like a job.
But we weren’t without problems. She got in trouble at school, skipping classes, and then smoking marijuana. I left for a week one time to go to a foster care conference in Florida and spent most of that week on the phone with the babysitter discussing the trouble Cami and my oldest daughter were getting into constantly while I was gone. She caused a lot of trouble at home, fighting with the other kids, alienating them. She dated boys who were in trouble at school and sometimes even with the law. She lied constantly about where she was going, what she was doing. She tried to manipulate everyone she came in contact with.
But I never let up on her. I gave her consequences for everything she did, and I loved her more and more as the days went by. I’d always let her know how I felt about the things she was doing, and as I seem to do, tell her how things would turn out if she continued certain behaviors. I’m not always right about things, in fact, I often predict wrongly, but somehow, with her, I was able to predict outcomes pretty well. She hated it; telling me that I was always right and she should start listening to me but didn’t want to.
She fought back every time I enforced boundaries and rules with her. She kept increasing her behavior testing my limits. She told me she thought my rules were unfair, and that I should change them. But I never backed down with her, never wanted to give up. I don’t think she knew how to handle that, she was so used to people having her removed from their homes because of her behavior, and I just kept hanging on. One time we got another girl in the house about her age and she had a fit, crying and saying mean things. I couldn’t understand the problem since she’d been so bent on hating it here and not wanting to be part of our family, and when I finally got through her protective shell, she told me she didn’t want this girl to take me away from her. She couldn’t understand how I could share my love with more than one person. She also couldn’t understand how I could keep letting kids into my home and heart after some of the things other kids had said and done to me. She told me if I took this girl in she would know this was only a job to me. I didn’t let her manipulate me. I told what I always told her, this was never a job to me, and I CAN love lots of people at the same time. She said she didn’t believe me. What came in the next months was sort of shocking.
She said she wanted me to adopt her; she wanted to be a permanent part of the family. She’d been with us only about six months. I wanted to say yes, but told her I wanted her to ask me again after she’d been with us for a year. I wanted her to be sure she wanted it before we got into the process. She must have marked her calendar, because at the one-year anniversary of her coming to our home, she asked again.
I was a little surprised; we’d had a lot of ups and downs. She pushed away every time we started getting closer, and I really thought that like others like her who I’d had relationships with, she’d only been saying what she thought I wanted her to say, or was saying things to test me. She’d been moved around so many times, and had only one or two real life-long bonds with people from her past. And I know when she moved out to our home she planned to keep her distance until it was time to move on. Even after living with me for a year, and feeling like we’d made a connection, I felt like she wasn’t being 100% honest about wanting to be adopted, but I wanted it and I let my emotion rule the day.
I started talking to her case manager and her aunt about it. Through a lot of discussion, we started moving forward with the adoption. At first, she was acting very happy about it all. She really started connecting with my extended family, and making herself a permanent fixture in my heart. That summer was trying, though. She got a job and was working as many hours as she could get. I worried a little because I knew in the past, at other homes, she would involve herself in activities outside the home just to be away from the foster family she was living with. Her behavior started escalating again, she started getting colder towards the family.
Then we were only a month or two away from finalizing the adoption. Tragedy struck our home. Will’s mom got custody back. I’d raised him from birth, and Cami had been there for a majority of it. We were both devastated. He was leaving us, and though I knew we’d still see him because of our relationship with his mom, Cami didn’t believe it. She left me the same day he did. She told me she’d never loved me and everything I ever said to her went in one ear and out the other. It was a bad day to say it, because I was grieving a loss too, and couldn’t play this game with her. She told me she wanted to move, and I let her. At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to hold on to her.
I often regret my weakness in that moment. I wish I’d have held on to her until she stopped screaming. But I just couldn’t. And she moved a few days later. She moved to a horrible place where the foster mom truly did think of foster care as a job. Cami became a lone person in a home full of lone people, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t care, she’d pushed too far that time. But I did care, and it hurt for a very long time. Ironically, I had Will back in my home within a month. His mom voluntarily brought him back to me and eventually I adopted him. Cami’s case manager told me that when she went to see Cami, pictures of our family were all over her wall. She was still calling me mom. I missed her, but didn’t want her to hurt me or my other kids anymore.
After four long months of silence between us, we met again. Cami’s counselor, my miracle worker, brought us back together. We met in his office. He’d told me that with all Cami’s problems, her inability to love and be loved by others, he felt that she had finally let someone in, me, and that she did need me. I met with her, and had a list of things I needed to make clear if we were going to have a relationship moving forward. She listened to me, and she agreed with me. Some of the things I had to tell her hurt, but she finally felt a strong enough connection with someone that she was willing to let that someone call a few of the shots in the relationship.
Cami never moved back into my house. But we’ve never missed a single Christmas with each other. Everything has not been jellybeans and roses since, we’ve had plenty of “talks” and we’ve had to listen to each other. But she’s never left me again. She tells me she often hears me talking to her when she’s about to do something she knows I would hate, and sometime it keeps her from doing it.
She’s moved here and there, on her own at 18, with a little help from me and a few others. She’s finding her way, but she still calls me mom. She’s moved out of state, but comes to see us whenever she can, and she calls and texts often. She has since reunited with her birth mother, and said the first thing she told her mother was that she already has a mom, but she was willing to get to know her. I encouraged the reunification so she could never have any regrets.
When she comes home to visit I laugh because I hear her tell my kids to listen to me, I’m always right. I’m just glad I still have her and happy she’s glad to have me!

YaYa again!

OK, I know I can't really complain. I had to know when I adopted two girls who were only 15 years younger than me that I would most probably be a young grandmother. And I am. I have one grandson (that I know of) and now I have another on the way. I'm not even 40.

But it isn't even really about me. I have issues. When Kneesaa was 18, she met this guy on the cruise down town, and within 3 weeks they were engaged. She still went off to college, but they continued to have this weird sort of dysfunctional relationship. Not to mention that I'm pretty positive that he's gay. Which, whatever, but own it, you know? Quit trying to pretend you're not! Anyway, 7 months after moving her up north to go to college she was dropping out and moving back down here, to get married, ON HER BIRTHDAY! He, of course, arranged all the wedding details and insisted on having the courthouse nuptials on that day. I ripped him a new one because I didn't want her to spend the rest of her life either having to put her birthday second to an anniversary, or, if things didn't work out, having to remember this mistake on her day.

But who am I anyway? So there they are, married, fighting constantly, she's being abused (shhh, she doesn't think I know this), and eventually they have a baby. This is supposed to make their marriage worse. It, obviously, doesn't. All it does is bring a sickly baby into a horrible situation. And she insists on reminding me often that I am Ya Ya, but I hardly ever get to see my grandson.

Well, before my grandson is even 8 months old, she's let her gay husband. She's shacked up with her childhood-best-friend's brother, and letting the abuser run the divorce the same way he ran the wedding. Poorly. Not that I was allowed to offer any kind of advice or support through the whole thing. So it's done, they are divorced right about the time my grandson turns a year old. We have a party for the baby and he has a great time. I am happy she's out of that relationship, and am continuing to be supportive of her decisions no matter how much they go against my own idea of healthy living. I welcome the new guy into the family, and chat it up with his mom and Kneesaa's best friend and her children. We all had a good time, and my grandson had a good birthday!

Two or three weeks later, she tells us she's pregnant. God help her. And if she'd stop and take a look, she'd see that we are wiling to be there for her, support her, and love her, but she's so afraid of what she's doing with her life, she won't even call. Her phone number changes monthly, so I can't get a hold her. I just want to love her, no matter what choices she's making for herself. I've accepted that I'm a young Ya Ya...now let me be one!!!!

OMG!

That's G for Gosh!

I'm horrible!! I have a grandson, and I never do anything for him. I always excuse myself by saying, I have young children too, I told her I wasn't ready to be a grandma! But the reality is, I knew when I adopted her that I could potentially have grandchildren soon. After all, she was 18 when I adopted her.

So his birthday is tomorrow, and I haven't even gotten a card for him. His party isn't until this weekend, so I have time, but I feel bad when I see the countdown to his birthday on my blog and I realize I haven't really given it much thought. I get so caught up in the day to day at home, and I lose track of this kind of stuff.

I've got a two year old, four year old, five year old, six year old, eight year old, and eleven year old at home. I have a 19 year old in Reno, a 21 year old living in town with my grandson, and a 21 year old in the wind. Are you thinking, "...bitten off more than you can chew..."? Maybe, overwhelmed sometimes for sure. I barely put together my 4 year old's birthday party last week. My six year old turns 7 next month. At least I don't have to do anything for my birthday in November, and I have a few months to figure out my two year old's birthday in December. Then just after Christmas my eight year old and my best friend have a birthday on the same day. My older 21 year old is in February, but she's in the wind, so I just buy her a card and something small and stow it away in a gift bag that I'll give her if she ever comes home again. My other 21 year old shares her birthday month, March, with my mom, both my brothers, my mother, my sister in law and my niece. In April my youngest girl has her 6th birthday the day before my other niece has her 6th birthday, and my dad is at the end of the month, and also one adoption birthday. In May I have my 11 year old's birthday and my 19 year old's birthday, and two adoption birthdays. In June I only have one adoption birthday. In July I have my other sister-in-law and my other best friend. August I'm free of birthdays...I think. And I didn't mention my four year old's birthday in September is on the same day as my OTHER best friend. (I only have three friends and they are all best!)

See, I can recite all that, but when it comes down to being the day of someone's birthday, I find that I've forgotten to do anything and I have to scramble. Someone has cursed me and caused brain damage I'm sure!!!

Thanks for reading!

Frustrated

When I was 26 years old I took on the responsibility of being my mom's caregiver. Now, at first that only meant having her live with me. I didn't change my lifestyle completely at the time. I still went out with friends constantly and lived my own life. But slowly I started living more her life. I felt bad if I left the house to do something without her. I felt bad if I was doing something she didn't like, you know, things I had a right to do because I was an adult, but things she didn't like. I started to feel like I was 16 years old again.

Here I am 10 years later, and I'm raising children with her in the house, and I still feel like I'm 16 years old. I feel like every decision I make has to be OK'd by her. If my kids ask me permission for something, if she's there I look to her to make sure she's OK with it. I HATE that. Why can't I be an adult and stop looking for her approval before I do something? She doesn't necessarily expect me to get her approval, though she does give a good guilt trip if she doesn't like my decisions. But for crying out loud, when will I take my life into my own hands again? I don't like my kids thinking they should ask Granny not mom. And they do. If she and I are in the same room and one of my kids comes in looking for permission, they say, "Granny, is it alright if..." I'm standing right there, and they don't even give me a second thought. This is my fault, I need to take charge here. I'm so weak and wuss like.

And now, my dad is here. He's driving me INSANE! He was NEVER there for me. He was not a parent. He left when I was 4. He was a jerk the whole time I was growing up. He doesn't have the first clue about how to parent, let alone how to have a decent relationship with anyone. He says the rudest things to people, and is so judgemental. And now he's doing it to my kids and I am hating him for it! And he's made snide remarks to me and my mom, and I'm sick of it!! Who does he think he is coming into my life all of a sudden and thinking he has the right to put any of us down? He's the jerk who got fired and now can't take care of himself and has nobody willing to help him! I find myself confronting him like I never used to, and he doesn't like it. Any time I confront him and make him explain why he just made a rude comment about someone in my family, he leaves. Good.

I look at friends and cousins and people my age, and I see them being the adults in their families, and being who they should be at this age. Why can't I make the change in my life to be that? Decisions about my kids should be mine and only mine, and I shouldn't feel the need to look to my mom for permission. It's not like she's all knowing and superior, she should be Granny. God help me!

Untitled

I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch
pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night,
then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers,
year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies.
I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity.
She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

Mom's Not Doing Well

My mom is just not doing well. She lost all that weight, and then the fluid started. She goes in to the hospital 3 times a week to have fluid drained off her torso around her lungs, and they can only guess that it is being caused by her Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, specifically the Lupus. So they did a CT last week, and found a HUGE blood clot in one of her lungs. Now they're in emergency mode trying to get that to dissolve. And yesterday she overheard them saying they also found spots all over her spleen but they didn't tell her what it was or could be.

God, please help my mom. She needs you right now, she's scared. I hate seeing her like this, and I worry so much.

Name the cliche: it's like old home week, they're coming out of the woodwork, when it rains it pours...whatever.

(I can't get a title on this post. Technology!)

One time I wrote this brilliant poem using all cliches. I was so creative and genius when I was younger.

Are you feeling like I may be ADHD today, jumping around like this? I had something to write about and it made these other dumb things jump in my head, and I decided to do a kind of stream of consciousness thing.

Anyway, yesterday I was minding my own business, and got an IM from someone I worked with like 4 years ago, and really haven't seen or heard from since I left the company. It was cool, and weird, and good to talk to someone I knew then. I don't have much contact at all with any of those people, and you'd think I would. These were the people I met and worked with when I first moved back to Idaho, and continued to associate with and work with for 3 years. They saw me through a lot of stuff emotional and otherwise. And now I don't see or talk to any of them. Anyway, she was good.

Then, last night, at about 10:30 the phone rang. Now, in our house, if the phone rings late, it's usually bad news. My mom answered, then made a face and I knew it wasn't tragedy, but she looked irritated. She handed the phone to me and said, "It's {insert name here}" one of the girls' birth mom. So I took the phone and very coldly said, "Hello." This woman has no boundaries and calls at very inappropriate times, even now after she voluntarily terminated her rights to her daughter. The woman on the other end of the phone said, "Hi! How are you?" It wasn't the birth mother, it was an old friend of mine. We grew up together and went to high school together until she dropped out our sophomore year. At one time in our lives we were inseparable, and then we were on different paths just like that. Now she was on the other end of the phone line. We didn't have a falling out, or hate each other or anything like that, we just went different ways. I was sitting there listening to her talk and thinking how different our lives turned out, and yet here we were talking the same as we always did. Is that how you know someone was meant to be in your life? Even though decades can go by between times you talk, you can just pick up the phone and talk like it's something you do daily? She's a good person. I'm lucky and happy to know her.

Thanks for reading my title-free post. Should it bother me that I can't put a title on it? I think I need chocolate.

Sorry Just Isn't Good Enough Anymore

People are becoming impossible to satisfy anymore. If something goes wrong, it's like they want you to perform magical acts to alter the world until they are happy again. Sometimes, even when things have happened that are unfair to you, it can't be made entirely right again.

I had this guy walk into my office this morning thinking he was scheduled for a test. The reality was, when he called and scheduled, he'd called the office in Boise and so he was on their schedule. The test he wanted, I don't give on Tuesday mornings, so I couldn't give it to him. On Tuesday mornings my office is open for walk-in university placement testing, and I cannot give the test he wanted to someone while my door is open for people to walk in, it's a federal testing policy. I offered to try to get him in when I give the test this afternoon, but that test session is full, so I couldn't guarantee he'd get in.

He wanted me to guarantee it. I couldn't, I only have so many seats, and the schedule for this afternoon was full. I can't call someone up and cancel their test because this guy wants to test. I was trying to explain this to him, in a nice way, but he kept escalating. He was sure this was our fault because he didn't know he had called Boise when he scheduled. He kept saying I wasn't doing enough for him. I didn't know what else to do. I told him I was doing all I can do, and I apologized for the mix up. It just wasn't good enough.

But it made me think. I get that way to sometimes. Someone does something to me, or isn't forthcoming enough so I get caused problems or inconveniences, and nothing satisfies me after that. I don't want to hear sorry from people anymore. Is it because "sorry" is said too often and used to excuse incompetence or offending behavior? In some ways I think so. When my kids say sorry I tell them to save it because they use it to excuse their behavior instead of taking accountability and then doing something to change that behavior. For so long I've thought it was just them, but now I see that we all do it. People and businesses don't take accountability anymore. When we screw up we say sorry then move on to do the same thing to the next person the next day.

I need to make a pledge, here and now, that when I screw up, I'll apologize and mean it. I won't use "sorry" lightly anymore, and I will change my ways when the things I do or say hurt someone or make someone else's life uncomfortable. If I expect my kids to do it, I should to!!

I'm Just Sad

I was just reading over a post I wrote for Tales about one of my girls who just got married this month. You know, after you write and publish you go out and look at it to make sure it looks and reads right. So I was reading it, and I got teary-eyed. That's just sad! Anyone got a Kleenex?

Pain in the...

ELBOW!!

Good grief! I fell, what, a month ago. Oh, I haven't posted since just before I fell, have I? See, I was walking out to the van, getting everyone in and ready to head to soccer. I had 2-year-old in my arms and was almost there when my foot slipped off the edge of the sidewalk. All I really remember is trying to keep my boy from hitting the ground (and he hit anyway.) For about two weeks I endured ankle pain from twisting it, of course. But apparently I did something far worse to my elbow, because it still hurts. It's taking me all day to type this post because of the waves of pain radiating from my elbow to my fingertips and from my elbow to my shoulder. They x-rayed and found nothing. I've had three different braces now, and this last one is too small I think because within minutes of putting it on my hand starts to puff up and anything I do hurts. I start physical therapy on Friday. Wish me luck, if that doesn't work, they'll inject steroids and immobilized my arm in a cast for three weeks. Wish me luck and thanks for reading!

Guns for All and All for Guns

I generally don't post my opinions on current events, mostly because I don't spend a lot of time reading the paper or watching the news. I admit, I'm selfish about what I form opinions about, I don't vest my time in every little issue that comes along. Being human, though, tragedy like what Virginia Tech has just experienced does affect me. I watch and read about the events because I have empathy for all who are directly affected, and because I feel like it does affect my world as it is a sign of how our society has evolved.

So I'm watching a news report about the whole horrific event last night, and suddenly they are interviewing students who are angry with Virginia Tech. They are angry because the campus has a policy prohibiting guns at the school. They are angry because they feel this policy left law abiding citizens, student, unable to protect themselves against a raving lunatic. I think their anger is misdirected. I realize they need to feel like they could have done something if only...but that's simply not true.

Even if they were allowed to have guns on campus, would they really be carrying them to their 9:00 French class? How safe would any of us really feel if we knew we were sitting in class with 30 other 18-21 year olds who may have a gun in their backpack? And when in the face of danger, unexpected danger, what stressed-out, possibly hung over, sleep-deprived, young adult barely out of the nest individual has the sense to remain calm and "take out" the offender rather than panic, cause more chaos, and possibly shoot an innocent bystander or get themselves killed. Come on, you can't be serious that you think this is really the result of poor planning on the part of the university rather than what it really is.

And from everything I've read so far, there were tons of warning signs about this kid that everyone who knew him is stating and yet nobody did anything about it. Other students used to joke about how he would one day start shooting, but nobody tried to stop it before it happened. The problem isn't that the other students didn't have guns, it's that our society has evolved into this. We see our friends and neighbors in trouble, and we don't do or say anything until after the tragedy occurs, then we blame everyone else. We don't get involved with each other, we get involved with our causes. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. We don't need more freedom to carry guns, we need more compassion and sense of community at the get-go.

My Interview Questions

I was surfing one day, reading through all my favorite blogs, and came across this interview game on Pointless Drivel. I thought it might be fun, so here are the questions he asked of me:

Q1. You have a counter on your blog counting down the days until Christmas. How long have you been clinically insane?

A1. I couldn't really say as I've never ventured in to the nearest clinic to be diagnosed insane. However, I have had a Christmas Countdown Chalkboard hanging by my front door non-stop for 4 years now. But I don't know which gives me more pleasure, the anticipation that comes with watching the days peel away before the wonder of this glorious holiday, or the look of sheer anguish on the faces of those who, as they pass through my door, realize they were just reminded of how many more days they have to get ready for my favorite day!


Q2. You're the second blogger I know from Idaho. Is Idaho made up of just two bloggers and several million white supremacists?

A2. (Are there even several million people in Idaho?) If you think of bloggers as democrats, and republicans as white supremacists, then I'd have to say the answer to this question is simply yes.


Q3. You like camping and rafting. Have you had any Deliverance experiences you would like to share with us?

A2. I've never camped and rafted in Georgia/South Carolina, so the answer would be no. If you are suggesting that all the republican/white supremacists in Idaho are also inbred hillbillies, you should know, we reintroduced the wolf to the mountains of Idaho to help thin that population. Maybe that's why there aren't several million of them here...


Q4. You were born under the Sign of the Dog and you work in education, so you would be the one to answer this question: Is it indeed possible to teach old dogs new tricks?

A4. I learned to blog didn't I? Of course, I can't teach my mother to store new numbers in her phone...then again, she was born under the sign of the pig, maybe that's her problem.


Q5. You are stuck on an Island with all the Disney characters. Which one do you kill and eat first?

A5. Donald Duck, I love fresh roasted duck at sunset! And who wants to sit around and listen to that quacky voice for eternity?



Now, if you want to play, here are the rules:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

WebMD

Have you ever been to WebMD? I went there to check out a few things going on with my body to decide if I should ignore it or call my doc. Well daad-guum (to quote Mater), it's a hypochondriac's dream. You put in your symptoms, and it gives you a list of up to 20 things that might be wrong with you. Then you can click on those diagnosis and see what they are all about!!

Right now I may be dying from Diabetic Ketoacidosis, or have Diabetes type 1 or 2, or severe sinusitis, or migraine headaches, or asthma, or tension headache, or dehydration, or a sunburn (highly unlikely, I think I can diagnose when i get one of those), or farsightedness. How do I choose?

I get checked for diabetes every year because it does run in my family. I guess I could go in and have it checked again early. I have a history of headaches, tension, migraine, and sinus, but I don't feel like those are the problem. I don't have a history of asthma personally or in my family, I guess I could get that checked. I've had lasik surgery, and my vision is generally fine other than occasional blurriness, so it's probably not farsightedness.

Maybe I should stay away from WebMD. Last summer it had me believing I was in stage 3 lung cancer, and it turned out to be stress and allergies. All I can say is, if you check it our, tread lightly, and then call your doctor for the real answers.

American Idol

OK, so American Idol is something like a modern Star Search, and we're all supposed to mock it. People are forming internet communities who's sole purpose is to vote off the best singers in order to make the show a joke. But at what point did we all become so cynical and expert in everything that we know nothing about that we think it's our job to bring others down? I realize there a lot of people who try out for this show who probably should have stuck to singing in the privacy of their own showers, but those who make it to the final 10 or 12 are there because they do have talent, or show potential. These people have dreams, and are putting themselves in a vulnerable position to take yours, mine, and Simon Kowel's (sp?) criticism. Why do some feel the need to make a mockery of it?

The fact is, when you turn on the radio, in a day you will hear several former contestants from American Idol singing their tunes. Obviously, this show has found some talented people, and we are all listening to and enjoying their art. Why not let the show continue to find good vocal artists for us to enjoy?

Truth in Posting

How many of you tell the truth about everything you write about in your blog? I admit I hold things back, but haven't outright lied. I should be able to say what I want here, but am afraid my friends or family will find this blog and read something I didn't want them to know or hear from me. It kind of feels constraining sometimes. Right now I have two blogs, and the other is well known by my friends and family. Then one day I developed this one, and I kept it a secret. I don't really know why, I don't have deep dark secrets, or a crazy alter-ego or anything. I guess I just wanted a place of my own. But I still don't say everything here in case someone I know finds it.
I think what I really need is a "real life" friend. Have you ever heard of those? Yeah, I guess there are other real life people out there who are not part of my family who I could be "friends" with and talk to and do things with.
Who am I kidding? Like I have time to add another activity to my life. As if these so-called "real-life" people even exist!!

Thanks for reading!

HAPPILY, NOT FRUSTRATED ANYMORE!!

Guess what! I'm getting the van. A VERY good friend of my family came through for us, and by this time next week, we will have the new van!! Thanks to all who may have considered helping out. And thanks to all who may have prayed for us! It looks like this only white:

Frustration Update #2

We have a source who can give us $7000 towards the van, but still need $6000 more. Any ideas how we could come up with that? (My donation button works if you want to contribute!)

Frustration UPDATE...

I cannot explain the level of disappointment and depression I am at right now. Things were finally going OK for us, I thought they were really looking up. I have a car that's about to fall apart, and a van that only starts some of the time, and I REALLY needed to get this new van. But it won't be happening. They won't reconsider, and now I'm out. Not only that, but I applied for this loan on Lending Tree, which I don't recommend to ANYONE! They put 12 inquiry hits on my credit, and now nobody will touch me.

Are there any benefactors out there looking for someone to give to? I just need $13,000 to get this van for my family of poor foster children.

Thanks again for listening.

Girl from LA has asked to be linked to this post.

Frustration!!

For the first time in 10 years, I am trying to get a new vehicle. I've had some credit problems but have fixed them and am on the road to credit stardom, and it was time for a new vehicle. I was (am) driving a '93 Saturn sedan, 5 seater only if the butts are small. I now have a large family with the number of kids always ranging from 5-6. We don't work in my car. My mom has a van, '97 Dodge Grand Caravan that seats 7. But at those times when the number of kids reaches 6, we don't even fit in the van.

I've been looking around and found that I LOVE the Pontiac Montana 8 passenger. And I found one, an '03. I was pre-approved for a loan, so when I found this, I was so excited!! I went to finalize the loan, and everything was A-OK until this morning. I found I had an email saying the loan was denied. WHAT?!?!?!

I called and found out that when they called my work to verify job status, HR told them I was a part-time employee. I'm not, but that's the official status. See, the girl I replaced here had been full-time, then wanted her status changed to part-time, then quit. I came along, and they hired me to work full-time, but can't change the status until it is approved by the state legislature. (I'm a state employee.) So, based on this technicality, I no longer qualify for the loan. I'm hoping I can convince them to talk to my boss to straighten this out! Pray for me, wish me luck, whatever it takes to help me get this loan through. I NEED THIS VAN!!!!

Thanks for listening!

Other People's Problems

My radio station does this segment every Tuesday called "Other People's Problems" where someone sends in an email stating their current problem, and the Treasure Valley tries to give them advice on how to solve it. Sometimes the problems are interesting and people give pretty good advice. Today I have mixed feelings:

A lady was driving her child to the bus stop and saw another child already there who was smoking. Smokey was about 13. The concerned mom decided to go to his mother and let her know what she saw, but when she went to their house, mom was lighting up with Smokey, and obviously didn't have a problem contributing to her son's future health problems. The concerned mom then emailed the radio station so we could all get involved.

Some people called in saying she should call the police. Some said she should call the school. Then one lady said she should mind her own business - giving the lady a ticket and her son suspension wouldn't stop them, obviously the problem runs much deeper. I kind of agree. I don't think it's right for the lady to be supplying her son with cancer, but IF the police even respond to the complaint, all they'll do is give her a ticket and be on their way...they won't be back out to check on her. But while I agree with this, I think something should be done about a problem like this, I just don't know what. Do you?