Who Knew?

This morning I wanted to go to the website for the National Foster Parent Association. I'm one of those people who doesn't read directions unless I run into a problem, you know? So when I need to find something online, I usually try typing in likely addresses rather than doing a search. So I typed www.nfpa and then had to decide if it would be an org or a com. I tried org first...seemed logical. And I got the National Fire Protection Association. OK, so I tried com, and this time I got the National Fluid Power Association. Who knew we had a National Fluid Power Association? Makes me wonder if we have regional fluid power associations.

All this made me think about a time when I was working somewhere I don't work now, and we were all sitting around, wasting time, making more money than we were working for, and talking about the Love Boat. Someone asked a question none of us could answer, so I went online. I put in www dot theloveboat dot com and got something that could've gotten me fired if the wrong person saw it on my terminal. Well, that site is no longer there, and now that address gives you a cruise line, so this post isn't as clever as I wanted it to be. What can I say?

5 More Minutes!

OK, my whole life I've been living with Daylight Savings, and it has never affected me much. In fact, I usually scoff at those who complain that they are having trouble getting used to the new time. Come on, it's an hour. When we travel we usually travel to a different time zone, just one hour difference either way, and it isn't a problem. So why should Daylight Savings be a problem? It shouldn't, IT'S AN HOUR DIFFERENCE, NOT 3, 4, 5 HOURS DIFFERENCE.

Then what's my problem? All this week I've had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. This can largely be attributed to the fact that I'm having trouble going to sleep at night. It seems that no matter how tired I am at night, which is increasingly more each night, I can't get to sleep before midnight, and when that alarm goes off at 6:00 in the morning, I want to huck it across the room. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!

I can only say, and this is becoming a theme to this blog, that I am getting old. Why am I having to suddenly face the increasing number that is my age all of a sudden. Did I tell you my mom offered to let me use her tube of Preparation H? EWWWWW.....how old can I possibly be anyway????

By the way, I gave up popcorn for Lent, and I think it's getting to me. Did you give anything up?

Booorrrring...

Yesterday I was boring. Who cares about my spending habit? Let's see if I can do better today.

Oh, here's one. A social worker friend of mine, who I used to work with a lot in regards to my teens, now works for the local university, you know the one, Boise State University, winners of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl! Anyway, she asked me to write a perspective to read to one of her social work classes, giving them a foster parent's point of view on what's helpful and what's not when it comes to case managers. It took me a while, but I finally wrote something up, and sent it to her thinking it wasn't the greatest, but hopefully it would do. To be honest, it's been so long since I really wrote anything, I felt a little rusty. But it also felt good to be writing something, anything, again. She emailed me back and was embarrassingly overjoyed. She loved it and asked if she could use it in her foster parent training classes and if she could read it in a staff meeting at the department. Part of me was overwhelmed at her enthusiasm over the whole thing, and part of me was secretly excited that my writing still has it. She kept saying, I'll take you name off it, and I kept thinking, why? Writers like to see their name in print! I've lost my mind.

So here's what I wrote. Is it really all that?

Over the last six years I’ve evolved as a person,
parent, and member of the foster care community. Part of that has been my
experience with becoming a parent, and living with the kids, and part of that
has been my experience with a number of different social workers, and all their
views and values. Working with the department, and with Casey Family
Programs, I’ve learned a whole lot about child welfare, and the ever changing
policies of the government in regards to our kids. I’ve learned even more
about people, and their many differing ideas about how to interact with and
raise children. And most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself,
what I believe in, and what’s important to me when it comes to
children.
When I first started doing foster care, I
wasn’t a mother yet, and I just wanted children. When I heard about the
things that had actually happened to the children I was taking care of, I was
appalled that anyone would ever think to send these kids home. Some of the
social workers I worked with frustrated me because they were so adamant that we
should be working to get all these kids home to their families, and I was
thinking some of these parents had no business ever seeing their kids
again. But there were a few social workers who saw something in me, they
seemed to think they could make me see reason, and they believed in
me.
I think in the foster care system, “The
Department” has to not only take care of the kids, but also take care of the
parents. All the parents. I’m not sure I’d have stuck with it if it
hadn’t been for those few social workers. And now I do see the premise
behind the theory that we should be working to return kids to their
families. I understand that is where we start even though it might not be
how it ends. But I wouldn’t understand that if someone hadn’t had patience
with me, let me evolve.
See, kids in foster care
have been through a lot! They have seen, heard, done, and had things done
to them that nobody should have to experience. Their parents have been
through a lot too, including losing their children. Foster parents end up
going through a lot as well, the difference being, we sign up for it.
We’ll either freak out and quit within the first year, or we’ll burn out in five
years, or we’ll be lifers. I believe a lot of that has to do with the
social workers we work with. The best social workers are the ones taking
care of the kids, the biological parents, AND the foster parents. Everyone
of these people has a whole lot of stress going on, and is learning new
behaviors that may or may not be good, and is trying to survive in a difficult
situation.
The social workers who do the best
work are the ones who keep it real, stay honest, don’t sugar coat things, don’t
take sides, and don’t forget that their job is about people, not numbers and
budgets. None of the people involved in a situation want to hear whatever
it is you think we want to hear, we want honesty. Don’t say maybe if the
answer is no. Maybe means yes to a kid, it means yes to a lot of the kids’
parents, and it means false hope to the foster parents who are left to deal with
the fall-out. It’s the social workers who can face adversity, handle
confrontation, and give honest answers who make the biggest difference and earn
respect from all those involved. And it’s these social workers who helped
me evolve, become a dedicated team member in the child welfare system.

WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I am so excited! I've been very careful for the last 5 years, getting everything paid off, taking care of overdue bills and such. I went to a credit counseling service and signed up in December of 2001, and by May of 2006 all my debts were paid off. (I had a lot!) Now, my credit score isn't great, but it's getting better. I have myself on a budget, and I stick to it. I'm careful about my money now, where before I just spent it whether I had it or not. Part of my success here has been in keeping myself out of stores. I don't go shopping a whole lot, and when I do, I make sure I have money to shop with. I've found that if I have specific things I need to buy and have the money to buy them, it satisfies some of my desire to shop.

So now, I've been able to begin some home improvements. I was smart about it, I wanted to replace all the carpet in my home with Pergo. All my kids seem to have either allergy or asthma problems, most likely stemming from their bio-moms smoking during pregnancy. I decided one thing I could is get rid of the carpet and have flooring that's easier to keep clean and allergen free. But I can't afford to replace all the carpet at once. So I saved up enough money and had Pergo put in my boys' room and the hallway. (The boys have asthma and allergies where the girls just have allergies.) Now I'm saving enough money to put it in the living room and kitchen. I had the flooring place measure the whole house so every time we're ready to do a room, I can just call them and tell them which room, they can look up the measurements, give me a price, and order the flooring.

But flooring isn't all I'm excited about. I'm most excited because I've been approved for a loan to buy a van. I'm excited because the car I have is very old, and not practical for such a large family. The van I'm getting seats 8, and is perfect. My little car barely seats 5 and only if they are thin. We generally have 8 people living in our house at any given moment, so I need this van. It's such a huge accomplishment to me to get myself out of that hole, and be able to do the things my family needs me to do! It makes me feel good!!!

When Did I Get Old?

OK, so I'm not ancient or anything, but in any given moment, I still feel the same as I did when I was 22, 23...now I'm watching 40 coming fast, barrelling down on me like a freight train.

Why can't I feel it, I ask myself. Then I look at my medicine cabinet and I see it. Calcium supplements, extra strength multi-vitamins, St. John's Wart, sleep aids, immunity boosters, glucosamine, Protonix, allergy pills, allergy nose spray, allergy eye drops, bulk bottles of ibuprofen, Tylenol, and Aleve. I take more vitamins and supplements than I ever thought possible just to keep the "minor" aches and pains away. Not really minor because they have the ability to keep me from sleeping at night.

I've had a complete hysterectomy, so needless to say, my child bearing years are behind me. I can't stand listening to the music coming out of my child's room, and the radio station I listen to most often plays "classic" hits from the 80's and 90's. When did those two decades become the era of classics? Good grief, I remember the threat of the Soviet Union, and my grown children don't even know what the Soviet Union is. My brother was telling me about a time when his wife's nieces were over and saw his album collection. They asked him to play one for him, and when they took it out of the cover, they asked which side goes up?

I know, everyone goes through this. Just, when the reality hits that it's happening to you, it takes a toll. It's like teenagers thinking they are invincible. I think that feeling lingers until now...I finally don't feel invincible anymore. Maybe I'm lucky, maybe other people hit this sooner than I did. Or maybe each generation hits this realization later and later.

I just remember when my mom was this age, I thought she was so old and wise. Why don't I feel old and wise now?

Happy Birthday Allee!

Today is Allee's birthday. She's my oldest daughter, and is 21 today. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The last time she was at my house, she robbed it. Besides the stuff she took that she could get money for, she also took some very sentimental things. She took all my pictures of her off the walls. It was like she was trying to erase herself from my life. But I still carry her love notes in my purse, and her memory in my heart. I miss Allee so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.

Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom

Scared in my Own Home

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Last night I went to bed thinking, well, tomorrow's the day. She's leaving. Then I thought, this would be the time for her to do something if she was going to do something. I got scared. I started imagining her coming in my room with a knife in the middle of the night. Good grief, isn't that a bit paranoid?

See, today my last teen foster daughter turns 18, and therefore is no longer in care. And let's just say we don't have a good relationship with her. In fact, she's had the majority of her things moved out of our house for three weeks now, just waiting for this day. She couldn't wait to walk out and never come back. And for the first time in 6 years, I felt the same way about a child leaving my home. I've been counting it down. But as the night wore on last night, all I could think was, "She's going to steal us blind on her way out the door, she might hurt someone, we need to change the locks tomorrow." What a terrible way to feel. Where did it all go so wrong? Why did I give up on this one when I've never given up on any of the others?

I don't want to come up with a bunch of excuses as to why I let this one go. All anyone ever does these days is give excuses. I do feel like I tried with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when everyone told me all her negatives before she even moved in with us. She was 16. Through the first year there were a lot of ups and downs. I had to deal with her stealing from the other girls, lying to teachers about her living situation, brain washing my young daughter, hurting the babies...the list goes on. But we made it through the first year. Sometime in the second year I'd had enough. I knew by last July that I was not going to allow her to continue to live with us while she finished high school. (She still has 2 more years after this year.) I get angry with myself that I couldn't hang on with her. Who's going to take care of her now?