Happy Birthday Allee!

Today is Allee's birthday. She's my oldest daughter, and is 21 today. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The last time she was at my house, she robbed it. Besides the stuff she took that she could get money for, she also took some very sentimental things. She took all my pictures of her off the walls. It was like she was trying to erase herself from my life. But I still carry her love notes in my purse, and her memory in my heart. I miss Allee so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.

Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom

Scared in my Own Home

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

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Last night I went to bed thinking, well, tomorrow's the day. She's leaving. Then I thought, this would be the time for her to do something if she was going to do something. I got scared. I started imagining her coming in my room with a knife in the middle of the night. Good grief, isn't that a bit paranoid?

See, today my last teen foster daughter turns 18, and therefore is no longer in care. And let's just say we don't have a good relationship with her. In fact, she's had the majority of her things moved out of our house for three weeks now, just waiting for this day. She couldn't wait to walk out and never come back. And for the first time in 6 years, I felt the same way about a child leaving my home. I've been counting it down. But as the night wore on last night, all I could think was, "She's going to steal us blind on her way out the door, she might hurt someone, we need to change the locks tomorrow." What a terrible way to feel. Where did it all go so wrong? Why did I give up on this one when I've never given up on any of the others?

I don't want to come up with a bunch of excuses as to why I let this one go. All anyone ever does these days is give excuses. I do feel like I tried with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when everyone told me all her negatives before she even moved in with us. She was 16. Through the first year there were a lot of ups and downs. I had to deal with her stealing from the other girls, lying to teachers about her living situation, brain washing my young daughter, hurting the babies...the list goes on. But we made it through the first year. Sometime in the second year I'd had enough. I knew by last July that I was not going to allow her to continue to live with us while she finished high school. (She still has 2 more years after this year.) I get angry with myself that I couldn't hang on with her. Who's going to take care of her now?