YaYa again!

OK, I know I can't really complain. I had to know when I adopted two girls who were only 15 years younger than me that I would most probably be a young grandmother. And I am. I have one grandson (that I know of) and now I have another on the way. I'm not even 40.

But it isn't even really about me. I have issues. When Kneesaa was 18, she met this guy on the cruise down town, and within 3 weeks they were engaged. She still went off to college, but they continued to have this weird sort of dysfunctional relationship. Not to mention that I'm pretty positive that he's gay. Which, whatever, but own it, you know? Quit trying to pretend you're not! Anyway, 7 months after moving her up north to go to college she was dropping out and moving back down here, to get married, ON HER BIRTHDAY! He, of course, arranged all the wedding details and insisted on having the courthouse nuptials on that day. I ripped him a new one because I didn't want her to spend the rest of her life either having to put her birthday second to an anniversary, or, if things didn't work out, having to remember this mistake on her day.

But who am I anyway? So there they are, married, fighting constantly, she's being abused (shhh, she doesn't think I know this), and eventually they have a baby. This is supposed to make their marriage worse. It, obviously, doesn't. All it does is bring a sickly baby into a horrible situation. And she insists on reminding me often that I am Ya Ya, but I hardly ever get to see my grandson.

Well, before my grandson is even 8 months old, she's let her gay husband. She's shacked up with her childhood-best-friend's brother, and letting the abuser run the divorce the same way he ran the wedding. Poorly. Not that I was allowed to offer any kind of advice or support through the whole thing. So it's done, they are divorced right about the time my grandson turns a year old. We have a party for the baby and he has a great time. I am happy she's out of that relationship, and am continuing to be supportive of her decisions no matter how much they go against my own idea of healthy living. I welcome the new guy into the family, and chat it up with his mom and Kneesaa's best friend and her children. We all had a good time, and my grandson had a good birthday!

Two or three weeks later, she tells us she's pregnant. God help her. And if she'd stop and take a look, she'd see that we are wiling to be there for her, support her, and love her, but she's so afraid of what she's doing with her life, she won't even call. Her phone number changes monthly, so I can't get a hold her. I just want to love her, no matter what choices she's making for herself. I've accepted that I'm a young Ya Ya...now let me be one!!!!

OMG!

That's G for Gosh!

I'm horrible!! I have a grandson, and I never do anything for him. I always excuse myself by saying, I have young children too, I told her I wasn't ready to be a grandma! But the reality is, I knew when I adopted her that I could potentially have grandchildren soon. After all, she was 18 when I adopted her.

So his birthday is tomorrow, and I haven't even gotten a card for him. His party isn't until this weekend, so I have time, but I feel bad when I see the countdown to his birthday on my blog and I realize I haven't really given it much thought. I get so caught up in the day to day at home, and I lose track of this kind of stuff.

I've got a two year old, four year old, five year old, six year old, eight year old, and eleven year old at home. I have a 19 year old in Reno, a 21 year old living in town with my grandson, and a 21 year old in the wind. Are you thinking, "...bitten off more than you can chew..."? Maybe, overwhelmed sometimes for sure. I barely put together my 4 year old's birthday party last week. My six year old turns 7 next month. At least I don't have to do anything for my birthday in November, and I have a few months to figure out my two year old's birthday in December. Then just after Christmas my eight year old and my best friend have a birthday on the same day. My older 21 year old is in February, but she's in the wind, so I just buy her a card and something small and stow it away in a gift bag that I'll give her if she ever comes home again. My other 21 year old shares her birthday month, March, with my mom, both my brothers, my mother, my sister in law and my niece. In April my youngest girl has her 6th birthday the day before my other niece has her 6th birthday, and my dad is at the end of the month, and also one adoption birthday. In May I have my 11 year old's birthday and my 19 year old's birthday, and two adoption birthdays. In June I only have one adoption birthday. In July I have my other sister-in-law and my other best friend. August I'm free of birthdays...I think. And I didn't mention my four year old's birthday in September is on the same day as my OTHER best friend. (I only have three friends and they are all best!)

See, I can recite all that, but when it comes down to being the day of someone's birthday, I find that I've forgotten to do anything and I have to scramble. Someone has cursed me and caused brain damage I'm sure!!!

Thanks for reading!

Frustrated

When I was 26 years old I took on the responsibility of being my mom's caregiver. Now, at first that only meant having her live with me. I didn't change my lifestyle completely at the time. I still went out with friends constantly and lived my own life. But slowly I started living more her life. I felt bad if I left the house to do something without her. I felt bad if I was doing something she didn't like, you know, things I had a right to do because I was an adult, but things she didn't like. I started to feel like I was 16 years old again.

Here I am 10 years later, and I'm raising children with her in the house, and I still feel like I'm 16 years old. I feel like every decision I make has to be OK'd by her. If my kids ask me permission for something, if she's there I look to her to make sure she's OK with it. I HATE that. Why can't I be an adult and stop looking for her approval before I do something? She doesn't necessarily expect me to get her approval, though she does give a good guilt trip if she doesn't like my decisions. But for crying out loud, when will I take my life into my own hands again? I don't like my kids thinking they should ask Granny not mom. And they do. If she and I are in the same room and one of my kids comes in looking for permission, they say, "Granny, is it alright if..." I'm standing right there, and they don't even give me a second thought. This is my fault, I need to take charge here. I'm so weak and wuss like.

And now, my dad is here. He's driving me INSANE! He was NEVER there for me. He was not a parent. He left when I was 4. He was a jerk the whole time I was growing up. He doesn't have the first clue about how to parent, let alone how to have a decent relationship with anyone. He says the rudest things to people, and is so judgemental. And now he's doing it to my kids and I am hating him for it! And he's made snide remarks to me and my mom, and I'm sick of it!! Who does he think he is coming into my life all of a sudden and thinking he has the right to put any of us down? He's the jerk who got fired and now can't take care of himself and has nobody willing to help him! I find myself confronting him like I never used to, and he doesn't like it. Any time I confront him and make him explain why he just made a rude comment about someone in my family, he leaves. Good.

I look at friends and cousins and people my age, and I see them being the adults in their families, and being who they should be at this age. Why can't I make the change in my life to be that? Decisions about my kids should be mine and only mine, and I shouldn't feel the need to look to my mom for permission. It's not like she's all knowing and superior, she should be Granny. God help me!

Untitled

I thought about calling this "Where Did You Go" or "Lost Girls" but can't decide. I had the desire to write a song one day. I was missing Allee a lot and they called and said they were moving Kristy. I'd never written a song before and suddenly really wanted to. It would be cool if someone like Pink sang it because Allee really liked Pink. Anyway, here it is, what do you think? Title suggestions?

I remember you, when I was a girl I was sitting on your lap,
You were whispering in my ear, mommy to me, together we’d be.
I remember feeling your arms around me keeping me warm, keeping me.
I wish I had a picture. I wish you were here now.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember going to the fair
Laughing with you beside me eating cotton candy,
Hanging on to you as we flew through the air on the swings.
I remember being at home sitting on the porch
pointing out butterflies with you, being with you.
I wish you hadn’t left me. I wish you could come back.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I can remember searching the streets for you, wondering why,
Keeping warm without you at night,
then waving goodbye to you as they drove me away.
Sleeping in strange beds, living with strangers,
year after year while you were where?
I can remember hoping never to see you again, never to hear your voice again
But I didn’t mean it then, and especially not now that I won’t see you ever.

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

I’m all grown up now, I’m a woman on the run.
I can’t find my home, I can’t find my mom.
My daughter cries and I see your eyes, I hold her tight
And point out butterflies.
I hope I can be what you weren’t for me.
And keep her safe for eternity.
She’ll always know where I am, where are you?

Where did you go when I needed you most?
Where did you go, I thought I saw your ghost?
I’m gonna explode, I can’t hang on
I’ve lost my way, I need you mom.

Mom's Not Doing Well

My mom is just not doing well. She lost all that weight, and then the fluid started. She goes in to the hospital 3 times a week to have fluid drained off her torso around her lungs, and they can only guess that it is being caused by her Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, specifically the Lupus. So they did a CT last week, and found a HUGE blood clot in one of her lungs. Now they're in emergency mode trying to get that to dissolve. And yesterday she overheard them saying they also found spots all over her spleen but they didn't tell her what it was or could be.

God, please help my mom. She needs you right now, she's scared. I hate seeing her like this, and I worry so much.

Name the cliche: it's like old home week, they're coming out of the woodwork, when it rains it pours...whatever.

(I can't get a title on this post. Technology!)

One time I wrote this brilliant poem using all cliches. I was so creative and genius when I was younger.

Are you feeling like I may be ADHD today, jumping around like this? I had something to write about and it made these other dumb things jump in my head, and I decided to do a kind of stream of consciousness thing.

Anyway, yesterday I was minding my own business, and got an IM from someone I worked with like 4 years ago, and really haven't seen or heard from since I left the company. It was cool, and weird, and good to talk to someone I knew then. I don't have much contact at all with any of those people, and you'd think I would. These were the people I met and worked with when I first moved back to Idaho, and continued to associate with and work with for 3 years. They saw me through a lot of stuff emotional and otherwise. And now I don't see or talk to any of them. Anyway, she was good.

Then, last night, at about 10:30 the phone rang. Now, in our house, if the phone rings late, it's usually bad news. My mom answered, then made a face and I knew it wasn't tragedy, but she looked irritated. She handed the phone to me and said, "It's {insert name here}" one of the girls' birth mom. So I took the phone and very coldly said, "Hello." This woman has no boundaries and calls at very inappropriate times, even now after she voluntarily terminated her rights to her daughter. The woman on the other end of the phone said, "Hi! How are you?" It wasn't the birth mother, it was an old friend of mine. We grew up together and went to high school together until she dropped out our sophomore year. At one time in our lives we were inseparable, and then we were on different paths just like that. Now she was on the other end of the phone line. We didn't have a falling out, or hate each other or anything like that, we just went different ways. I was sitting there listening to her talk and thinking how different our lives turned out, and yet here we were talking the same as we always did. Is that how you know someone was meant to be in your life? Even though decades can go by between times you talk, you can just pick up the phone and talk like it's something you do daily? She's a good person. I'm lucky and happy to know her.

Thanks for reading my title-free post. Should it bother me that I can't put a title on it? I think I need chocolate.

Sorry Just Isn't Good Enough Anymore

People are becoming impossible to satisfy anymore. If something goes wrong, it's like they want you to perform magical acts to alter the world until they are happy again. Sometimes, even when things have happened that are unfair to you, it can't be made entirely right again.

I had this guy walk into my office this morning thinking he was scheduled for a test. The reality was, when he called and scheduled, he'd called the office in Boise and so he was on their schedule. The test he wanted, I don't give on Tuesday mornings, so I couldn't give it to him. On Tuesday mornings my office is open for walk-in university placement testing, and I cannot give the test he wanted to someone while my door is open for people to walk in, it's a federal testing policy. I offered to try to get him in when I give the test this afternoon, but that test session is full, so I couldn't guarantee he'd get in.

He wanted me to guarantee it. I couldn't, I only have so many seats, and the schedule for this afternoon was full. I can't call someone up and cancel their test because this guy wants to test. I was trying to explain this to him, in a nice way, but he kept escalating. He was sure this was our fault because he didn't know he had called Boise when he scheduled. He kept saying I wasn't doing enough for him. I didn't know what else to do. I told him I was doing all I can do, and I apologized for the mix up. It just wasn't good enough.

But it made me think. I get that way to sometimes. Someone does something to me, or isn't forthcoming enough so I get caused problems or inconveniences, and nothing satisfies me after that. I don't want to hear sorry from people anymore. Is it because "sorry" is said too often and used to excuse incompetence or offending behavior? In some ways I think so. When my kids say sorry I tell them to save it because they use it to excuse their behavior instead of taking accountability and then doing something to change that behavior. For so long I've thought it was just them, but now I see that we all do it. People and businesses don't take accountability anymore. When we screw up we say sorry then move on to do the same thing to the next person the next day.

I need to make a pledge, here and now, that when I screw up, I'll apologize and mean it. I won't use "sorry" lightly anymore, and I will change my ways when the things I do or say hurt someone or make someone else's life uncomfortable. If I expect my kids to do it, I should to!!

I'm Just Sad

I was just reading over a post I wrote for Tales about one of my girls who just got married this month. You know, after you write and publish you go out and look at it to make sure it looks and reads right. So I was reading it, and I got teary-eyed. That's just sad! Anyone got a Kleenex?

Pain in the...

ELBOW!!

Good grief! I fell, what, a month ago. Oh, I haven't posted since just before I fell, have I? See, I was walking out to the van, getting everyone in and ready to head to soccer. I had 2-year-old in my arms and was almost there when my foot slipped off the edge of the sidewalk. All I really remember is trying to keep my boy from hitting the ground (and he hit anyway.) For about two weeks I endured ankle pain from twisting it, of course. But apparently I did something far worse to my elbow, because it still hurts. It's taking me all day to type this post because of the waves of pain radiating from my elbow to my fingertips and from my elbow to my shoulder. They x-rayed and found nothing. I've had three different braces now, and this last one is too small I think because within minutes of putting it on my hand starts to puff up and anything I do hurts. I start physical therapy on Friday. Wish me luck, if that doesn't work, they'll inject steroids and immobilized my arm in a cast for three weeks. Wish me luck and thanks for reading!

Guns for All and All for Guns

I generally don't post my opinions on current events, mostly because I don't spend a lot of time reading the paper or watching the news. I admit, I'm selfish about what I form opinions about, I don't vest my time in every little issue that comes along. Being human, though, tragedy like what Virginia Tech has just experienced does affect me. I watch and read about the events because I have empathy for all who are directly affected, and because I feel like it does affect my world as it is a sign of how our society has evolved.

So I'm watching a news report about the whole horrific event last night, and suddenly they are interviewing students who are angry with Virginia Tech. They are angry because the campus has a policy prohibiting guns at the school. They are angry because they feel this policy left law abiding citizens, student, unable to protect themselves against a raving lunatic. I think their anger is misdirected. I realize they need to feel like they could have done something if only...but that's simply not true.

Even if they were allowed to have guns on campus, would they really be carrying them to their 9:00 French class? How safe would any of us really feel if we knew we were sitting in class with 30 other 18-21 year olds who may have a gun in their backpack? And when in the face of danger, unexpected danger, what stressed-out, possibly hung over, sleep-deprived, young adult barely out of the nest individual has the sense to remain calm and "take out" the offender rather than panic, cause more chaos, and possibly shoot an innocent bystander or get themselves killed. Come on, you can't be serious that you think this is really the result of poor planning on the part of the university rather than what it really is.

And from everything I've read so far, there were tons of warning signs about this kid that everyone who knew him is stating and yet nobody did anything about it. Other students used to joke about how he would one day start shooting, but nobody tried to stop it before it happened. The problem isn't that the other students didn't have guns, it's that our society has evolved into this. We see our friends and neighbors in trouble, and we don't do or say anything until after the tragedy occurs, then we blame everyone else. We don't get involved with each other, we get involved with our causes. I'm just as guilty as anyone else. We don't need more freedom to carry guns, we need more compassion and sense of community at the get-go.

My Interview Questions

I was surfing one day, reading through all my favorite blogs, and came across this interview game on Pointless Drivel. I thought it might be fun, so here are the questions he asked of me:

Q1. You have a counter on your blog counting down the days until Christmas. How long have you been clinically insane?

A1. I couldn't really say as I've never ventured in to the nearest clinic to be diagnosed insane. However, I have had a Christmas Countdown Chalkboard hanging by my front door non-stop for 4 years now. But I don't know which gives me more pleasure, the anticipation that comes with watching the days peel away before the wonder of this glorious holiday, or the look of sheer anguish on the faces of those who, as they pass through my door, realize they were just reminded of how many more days they have to get ready for my favorite day!


Q2. You're the second blogger I know from Idaho. Is Idaho made up of just two bloggers and several million white supremacists?

A2. (Are there even several million people in Idaho?) If you think of bloggers as democrats, and republicans as white supremacists, then I'd have to say the answer to this question is simply yes.


Q3. You like camping and rafting. Have you had any Deliverance experiences you would like to share with us?

A2. I've never camped and rafted in Georgia/South Carolina, so the answer would be no. If you are suggesting that all the republican/white supremacists in Idaho are also inbred hillbillies, you should know, we reintroduced the wolf to the mountains of Idaho to help thin that population. Maybe that's why there aren't several million of them here...


Q4. You were born under the Sign of the Dog and you work in education, so you would be the one to answer this question: Is it indeed possible to teach old dogs new tricks?

A4. I learned to blog didn't I? Of course, I can't teach my mother to store new numbers in her phone...then again, she was born under the sign of the pig, maybe that's her problem.


Q5. You are stuck on an Island with all the Disney characters. Which one do you kill and eat first?

A5. Donald Duck, I love fresh roasted duck at sunset! And who wants to sit around and listen to that quacky voice for eternity?



Now, if you want to play, here are the rules:
Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

WebMD

Have you ever been to WebMD? I went there to check out a few things going on with my body to decide if I should ignore it or call my doc. Well daad-guum (to quote Mater), it's a hypochondriac's dream. You put in your symptoms, and it gives you a list of up to 20 things that might be wrong with you. Then you can click on those diagnosis and see what they are all about!!

Right now I may be dying from Diabetic Ketoacidosis, or have Diabetes type 1 or 2, or severe sinusitis, or migraine headaches, or asthma, or tension headache, or dehydration, or a sunburn (highly unlikely, I think I can diagnose when i get one of those), or farsightedness. How do I choose?

I get checked for diabetes every year because it does run in my family. I guess I could go in and have it checked again early. I have a history of headaches, tension, migraine, and sinus, but I don't feel like those are the problem. I don't have a history of asthma personally or in my family, I guess I could get that checked. I've had lasik surgery, and my vision is generally fine other than occasional blurriness, so it's probably not farsightedness.

Maybe I should stay away from WebMD. Last summer it had me believing I was in stage 3 lung cancer, and it turned out to be stress and allergies. All I can say is, if you check it our, tread lightly, and then call your doctor for the real answers.

American Idol

OK, so American Idol is something like a modern Star Search, and we're all supposed to mock it. People are forming internet communities who's sole purpose is to vote off the best singers in order to make the show a joke. But at what point did we all become so cynical and expert in everything that we know nothing about that we think it's our job to bring others down? I realize there a lot of people who try out for this show who probably should have stuck to singing in the privacy of their own showers, but those who make it to the final 10 or 12 are there because they do have talent, or show potential. These people have dreams, and are putting themselves in a vulnerable position to take yours, mine, and Simon Kowel's (sp?) criticism. Why do some feel the need to make a mockery of it?

The fact is, when you turn on the radio, in a day you will hear several former contestants from American Idol singing their tunes. Obviously, this show has found some talented people, and we are all listening to and enjoying their art. Why not let the show continue to find good vocal artists for us to enjoy?

Truth in Posting

How many of you tell the truth about everything you write about in your blog? I admit I hold things back, but haven't outright lied. I should be able to say what I want here, but am afraid my friends or family will find this blog and read something I didn't want them to know or hear from me. It kind of feels constraining sometimes. Right now I have two blogs, and the other is well known by my friends and family. Then one day I developed this one, and I kept it a secret. I don't really know why, I don't have deep dark secrets, or a crazy alter-ego or anything. I guess I just wanted a place of my own. But I still don't say everything here in case someone I know finds it.
I think what I really need is a "real life" friend. Have you ever heard of those? Yeah, I guess there are other real life people out there who are not part of my family who I could be "friends" with and talk to and do things with.
Who am I kidding? Like I have time to add another activity to my life. As if these so-called "real-life" people even exist!!

Thanks for reading!

HAPPILY, NOT FRUSTRATED ANYMORE!!

Guess what! I'm getting the van. A VERY good friend of my family came through for us, and by this time next week, we will have the new van!! Thanks to all who may have considered helping out. And thanks to all who may have prayed for us! It looks like this only white:

Frustration Update #2

We have a source who can give us $7000 towards the van, but still need $6000 more. Any ideas how we could come up with that? (My donation button works if you want to contribute!)

Frustration UPDATE...

I cannot explain the level of disappointment and depression I am at right now. Things were finally going OK for us, I thought they were really looking up. I have a car that's about to fall apart, and a van that only starts some of the time, and I REALLY needed to get this new van. But it won't be happening. They won't reconsider, and now I'm out. Not only that, but I applied for this loan on Lending Tree, which I don't recommend to ANYONE! They put 12 inquiry hits on my credit, and now nobody will touch me.

Are there any benefactors out there looking for someone to give to? I just need $13,000 to get this van for my family of poor foster children.

Thanks again for listening.

Girl from LA has asked to be linked to this post.

Frustration!!

For the first time in 10 years, I am trying to get a new vehicle. I've had some credit problems but have fixed them and am on the road to credit stardom, and it was time for a new vehicle. I was (am) driving a '93 Saturn sedan, 5 seater only if the butts are small. I now have a large family with the number of kids always ranging from 5-6. We don't work in my car. My mom has a van, '97 Dodge Grand Caravan that seats 7. But at those times when the number of kids reaches 6, we don't even fit in the van.

I've been looking around and found that I LOVE the Pontiac Montana 8 passenger. And I found one, an '03. I was pre-approved for a loan, so when I found this, I was so excited!! I went to finalize the loan, and everything was A-OK until this morning. I found I had an email saying the loan was denied. WHAT?!?!?!

I called and found out that when they called my work to verify job status, HR told them I was a part-time employee. I'm not, but that's the official status. See, the girl I replaced here had been full-time, then wanted her status changed to part-time, then quit. I came along, and they hired me to work full-time, but can't change the status until it is approved by the state legislature. (I'm a state employee.) So, based on this technicality, I no longer qualify for the loan. I'm hoping I can convince them to talk to my boss to straighten this out! Pray for me, wish me luck, whatever it takes to help me get this loan through. I NEED THIS VAN!!!!

Thanks for listening!

Other People's Problems

My radio station does this segment every Tuesday called "Other People's Problems" where someone sends in an email stating their current problem, and the Treasure Valley tries to give them advice on how to solve it. Sometimes the problems are interesting and people give pretty good advice. Today I have mixed feelings:

A lady was driving her child to the bus stop and saw another child already there who was smoking. Smokey was about 13. The concerned mom decided to go to his mother and let her know what she saw, but when she went to their house, mom was lighting up with Smokey, and obviously didn't have a problem contributing to her son's future health problems. The concerned mom then emailed the radio station so we could all get involved.

Some people called in saying she should call the police. Some said she should call the school. Then one lady said she should mind her own business - giving the lady a ticket and her son suspension wouldn't stop them, obviously the problem runs much deeper. I kind of agree. I don't think it's right for the lady to be supplying her son with cancer, but IF the police even respond to the complaint, all they'll do is give her a ticket and be on their way...they won't be back out to check on her. But while I agree with this, I think something should be done about a problem like this, I just don't know what. Do you?

Did I Write That?

Have you ever looked back at things you wrote in the past...like years ago? Maybe you run across something you don't even remember writing? Sometimes I'll find something I wrote in high school, or when I first started college in the late 80's (ugh!) and think, who wrote this, did I? I think I was a brilliant writer when I was younger. Now when I write I feel like it's ordinary and dull. I took an advanced fiction writing course as I was finishing my degree this decade, and hadn't really written in so long...it was not like riding a bike! I felt rusty. My instructor, a published fiction writer, was good to me though. The first thing he asked in a private conference after reading my first attempt at a new story was, "How long has it been since you wrote anything? I can tell you're a writer." It made me feel good. Like I still might have it. But when I try to write now, all the things every fiction writing instructor has said to me personally or in a class rattles around in my brain, and I feel I try too hard now. I think I was much more brilliant when I didn't know anything about writing, and it was just creative flow!

Anyway, what brought this on is that I'm updating my adoption home study as I get ready to adopt my 3 year old, and was just given a copy of my original home study from 2002. For those who don't know, when you do a home study, one of the things you have to do is write a biography. It's supposed to be around 2-4 pages. Mine was 10. I don't know where I stored it after I sent in a copy, so have not seen it since I wrote it. I do remember the social worker telling me she could see I was definitely a writer, and I didn't know if that was a good comment or irritated because she had to read the whole thing. Apparently, in the final home study, they take bits of what you wrote, or maybe with most people they use the whole thing and mine was just too long, and insert it in their report. So I still don't have the whole thing that I wrote, but I found this quote:

I am a mix of Cherokee, Irish, English, French and Norwegian. I'm simply an American. I'm single and I don't kiss on the first date! This sounds like a personal ad. I was a quiet child, never in trouble, got good grades, and have always been shy. I have strong opinions about human rights, but am not over zealous about political correctness. I have always been a writer of short stories and poems, but also some features and technical writing. I taught myself to read when I was four years old and have been an avid reader ever since.

OK, so it's not going to win a Pulitzer, but it feels fresh, and has a hint of wit. I miss that about my writing. Am I the only one who ever feels this way?

Who Knew?

This morning I wanted to go to the website for the National Foster Parent Association. I'm one of those people who doesn't read directions unless I run into a problem, you know? So when I need to find something online, I usually try typing in likely addresses rather than doing a search. So I typed www.nfpa and then had to decide if it would be an org or a com. I tried org first...seemed logical. And I got the National Fire Protection Association. OK, so I tried com, and this time I got the National Fluid Power Association. Who knew we had a National Fluid Power Association? Makes me wonder if we have regional fluid power associations.

All this made me think about a time when I was working somewhere I don't work now, and we were all sitting around, wasting time, making more money than we were working for, and talking about the Love Boat. Someone asked a question none of us could answer, so I went online. I put in www dot theloveboat dot com and got something that could've gotten me fired if the wrong person saw it on my terminal. Well, that site is no longer there, and now that address gives you a cruise line, so this post isn't as clever as I wanted it to be. What can I say?

5 More Minutes!

OK, my whole life I've been living with Daylight Savings, and it has never affected me much. In fact, I usually scoff at those who complain that they are having trouble getting used to the new time. Come on, it's an hour. When we travel we usually travel to a different time zone, just one hour difference either way, and it isn't a problem. So why should Daylight Savings be a problem? It shouldn't, IT'S AN HOUR DIFFERENCE, NOT 3, 4, 5 HOURS DIFFERENCE.

Then what's my problem? All this week I've had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. This can largely be attributed to the fact that I'm having trouble going to sleep at night. It seems that no matter how tired I am at night, which is increasingly more each night, I can't get to sleep before midnight, and when that alarm goes off at 6:00 in the morning, I want to huck it across the room. I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!

I can only say, and this is becoming a theme to this blog, that I am getting old. Why am I having to suddenly face the increasing number that is my age all of a sudden. Did I tell you my mom offered to let me use her tube of Preparation H? EWWWWW.....how old can I possibly be anyway????

By the way, I gave up popcorn for Lent, and I think it's getting to me. Did you give anything up?

Booorrrring...

Yesterday I was boring. Who cares about my spending habit? Let's see if I can do better today.

Oh, here's one. A social worker friend of mine, who I used to work with a lot in regards to my teens, now works for the local university, you know the one, Boise State University, winners of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl! Anyway, she asked me to write a perspective to read to one of her social work classes, giving them a foster parent's point of view on what's helpful and what's not when it comes to case managers. It took me a while, but I finally wrote something up, and sent it to her thinking it wasn't the greatest, but hopefully it would do. To be honest, it's been so long since I really wrote anything, I felt a little rusty. But it also felt good to be writing something, anything, again. She emailed me back and was embarrassingly overjoyed. She loved it and asked if she could use it in her foster parent training classes and if she could read it in a staff meeting at the department. Part of me was overwhelmed at her enthusiasm over the whole thing, and part of me was secretly excited that my writing still has it. She kept saying, I'll take you name off it, and I kept thinking, why? Writers like to see their name in print! I've lost my mind.

So here's what I wrote. Is it really all that?

Over the last six years I’ve evolved as a person,
parent, and member of the foster care community. Part of that has been my
experience with becoming a parent, and living with the kids, and part of that
has been my experience with a number of different social workers, and all their
views and values. Working with the department, and with Casey Family
Programs, I’ve learned a whole lot about child welfare, and the ever changing
policies of the government in regards to our kids. I’ve learned even more
about people, and their many differing ideas about how to interact with and
raise children. And most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself,
what I believe in, and what’s important to me when it comes to
children.
When I first started doing foster care, I
wasn’t a mother yet, and I just wanted children. When I heard about the
things that had actually happened to the children I was taking care of, I was
appalled that anyone would ever think to send these kids home. Some of the
social workers I worked with frustrated me because they were so adamant that we
should be working to get all these kids home to their families, and I was
thinking some of these parents had no business ever seeing their kids
again. But there were a few social workers who saw something in me, they
seemed to think they could make me see reason, and they believed in
me.
I think in the foster care system, “The
Department” has to not only take care of the kids, but also take care of the
parents. All the parents. I’m not sure I’d have stuck with it if it
hadn’t been for those few social workers. And now I do see the premise
behind the theory that we should be working to return kids to their
families. I understand that is where we start even though it might not be
how it ends. But I wouldn’t understand that if someone hadn’t had patience
with me, let me evolve.
See, kids in foster care
have been through a lot! They have seen, heard, done, and had things done
to them that nobody should have to experience. Their parents have been
through a lot too, including losing their children. Foster parents end up
going through a lot as well, the difference being, we sign up for it.
We’ll either freak out and quit within the first year, or we’ll burn out in five
years, or we’ll be lifers. I believe a lot of that has to do with the
social workers we work with. The best social workers are the ones taking
care of the kids, the biological parents, AND the foster parents. Everyone
of these people has a whole lot of stress going on, and is learning new
behaviors that may or may not be good, and is trying to survive in a difficult
situation.
The social workers who do the best
work are the ones who keep it real, stay honest, don’t sugar coat things, don’t
take sides, and don’t forget that their job is about people, not numbers and
budgets. None of the people involved in a situation want to hear whatever
it is you think we want to hear, we want honesty. Don’t say maybe if the
answer is no. Maybe means yes to a kid, it means yes to a lot of the kids’
parents, and it means false hope to the foster parents who are left to deal with
the fall-out. It’s the social workers who can face adversity, handle
confrontation, and give honest answers who make the biggest difference and earn
respect from all those involved. And it’s these social workers who helped
me evolve, become a dedicated team member in the child welfare system.

WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I am so excited! I've been very careful for the last 5 years, getting everything paid off, taking care of overdue bills and such. I went to a credit counseling service and signed up in December of 2001, and by May of 2006 all my debts were paid off. (I had a lot!) Now, my credit score isn't great, but it's getting better. I have myself on a budget, and I stick to it. I'm careful about my money now, where before I just spent it whether I had it or not. Part of my success here has been in keeping myself out of stores. I don't go shopping a whole lot, and when I do, I make sure I have money to shop with. I've found that if I have specific things I need to buy and have the money to buy them, it satisfies some of my desire to shop.

So now, I've been able to begin some home improvements. I was smart about it, I wanted to replace all the carpet in my home with Pergo. All my kids seem to have either allergy or asthma problems, most likely stemming from their bio-moms smoking during pregnancy. I decided one thing I could is get rid of the carpet and have flooring that's easier to keep clean and allergen free. But I can't afford to replace all the carpet at once. So I saved up enough money and had Pergo put in my boys' room and the hallway. (The boys have asthma and allergies where the girls just have allergies.) Now I'm saving enough money to put it in the living room and kitchen. I had the flooring place measure the whole house so every time we're ready to do a room, I can just call them and tell them which room, they can look up the measurements, give me a price, and order the flooring.

But flooring isn't all I'm excited about. I'm most excited because I've been approved for a loan to buy a van. I'm excited because the car I have is very old, and not practical for such a large family. The van I'm getting seats 8, and is perfect. My little car barely seats 5 and only if they are thin. We generally have 8 people living in our house at any given moment, so I need this van. It's such a huge accomplishment to me to get myself out of that hole, and be able to do the things my family needs me to do! It makes me feel good!!!

When Did I Get Old?

OK, so I'm not ancient or anything, but in any given moment, I still feel the same as I did when I was 22, 23...now I'm watching 40 coming fast, barrelling down on me like a freight train.

Why can't I feel it, I ask myself. Then I look at my medicine cabinet and I see it. Calcium supplements, extra strength multi-vitamins, St. John's Wart, sleep aids, immunity boosters, glucosamine, Protonix, allergy pills, allergy nose spray, allergy eye drops, bulk bottles of ibuprofen, Tylenol, and Aleve. I take more vitamins and supplements than I ever thought possible just to keep the "minor" aches and pains away. Not really minor because they have the ability to keep me from sleeping at night.

I've had a complete hysterectomy, so needless to say, my child bearing years are behind me. I can't stand listening to the music coming out of my child's room, and the radio station I listen to most often plays "classic" hits from the 80's and 90's. When did those two decades become the era of classics? Good grief, I remember the threat of the Soviet Union, and my grown children don't even know what the Soviet Union is. My brother was telling me about a time when his wife's nieces were over and saw his album collection. They asked him to play one for him, and when they took it out of the cover, they asked which side goes up?

I know, everyone goes through this. Just, when the reality hits that it's happening to you, it takes a toll. It's like teenagers thinking they are invincible. I think that feeling lingers until now...I finally don't feel invincible anymore. Maybe I'm lucky, maybe other people hit this sooner than I did. Or maybe each generation hits this realization later and later.

I just remember when my mom was this age, I thought she was so old and wise. Why don't I feel old and wise now?

Happy Birthday Allee!

Today is Allee's birthday. She's my oldest daughter, and is 21 today. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. The last time she was at my house, she robbed it. Besides the stuff she took that she could get money for, she also took some very sentimental things. She took all my pictures of her off the walls. It was like she was trying to erase herself from my life. But I still carry her love notes in my purse, and her memory in my heart. I miss Allee so much it hurts. I would give anything to have her back.

Allee, if you happen upon this, please know that I love you. You have a place always in my heart and soul. I hope you are well, and happy, and that some day you'll come home.
Love always,
mom

Scared in my Own Home

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Last night I went to bed thinking, well, tomorrow's the day. She's leaving. Then I thought, this would be the time for her to do something if she was going to do something. I got scared. I started imagining her coming in my room with a knife in the middle of the night. Good grief, isn't that a bit paranoid?

See, today my last teen foster daughter turns 18, and therefore is no longer in care. And let's just say we don't have a good relationship with her. In fact, she's had the majority of her things moved out of our house for three weeks now, just waiting for this day. She couldn't wait to walk out and never come back. And for the first time in 6 years, I felt the same way about a child leaving my home. I've been counting it down. But as the night wore on last night, all I could think was, "She's going to steal us blind on her way out the door, she might hurt someone, we need to change the locks tomorrow." What a terrible way to feel. Where did it all go so wrong? Why did I give up on this one when I've never given up on any of the others?

I don't want to come up with a bunch of excuses as to why I let this one go. All anyone ever does these days is give excuses. I do feel like I tried with her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when everyone told me all her negatives before she even moved in with us. She was 16. Through the first year there were a lot of ups and downs. I had to deal with her stealing from the other girls, lying to teachers about her living situation, brain washing my young daughter, hurting the babies...the list goes on. But we made it through the first year. Sometime in the second year I'd had enough. I knew by last July that I was not going to allow her to continue to live with us while she finished high school. (She still has 2 more years after this year.) I get angry with myself that I couldn't hang on with her. Who's going to take care of her now?

She Had a Biopsy

A while back I wrote about my mom, and being scared that she may have cancer or something else bad. She finally went to the doctor just last week, and yesterday they did a biopsy. Thank you for those who emailed concern, I appreciate your support.

The doctors are not really concerned that it's cancer, but they did the biopsy just to be 100% certain. They are actually more concerned that it's a side effect of her medication...of one of her medications. She has Mixed Connective Tissue Disease included in that for her are Lupus and Schleraderma. She takes a boat load of meds every morning and evening. Sometimes one of the meds causes organs or skin to become leathery, and this is what they are thinking has happened. If it's the med, they will try her on something else. Meanwhile, they took her off her pain med, which isn't good, and upped her dosage of Prednisone, which really sucks! But her breathing is better now, and most days she is feeling better. But she still has days full of pain and general misery.

I hate that I can't do anything for her. But I am relieved that we don't have the cancer scare we thought we might have. Cancer or not, though, her illnesses are hard to deal with emotionally. It's not likely that she'll live to a ripe old age as have her mother (still alive at 90,) and her grandmother (died at 98.) Not that she wants to live to be 100, but she and we'd all be happy to have her around into her 80's which is another 20 years or more.

I want her to be here when Will (3) and Annie (8) and Andrew (2) grow up and have significant events happening in their lives. I want her to see her grandchildren become adults. When my oldest brother and I decided to wait to start our families, we never anticipated our parents' health failing before they reached old age. We were arrogant to think they'd be around forever. My dad is also dealing with serious health issues including diabetes, failing eyesight (part of the diabetes), and he's already lost two toes from the disease. He had to face sudden and early retirement. He can't live on his own anymore either. My brothers and I are all near 40 or already there, and we still act as though we are young adults. When I stop and think about my age, it shocks me, EVERY time.

It's good that I feel so young, but when I will I embrace reality? If I'd had children when I was younger would I feel more grown now? If my mother had not had to move in me while I was still in my mid-twenties, would I feel more grown now? Why do I take for granted that my loved ones will never grow old and pass away? What kind of Peter Pan am I? This is way off from where I started, so I'll go now. Thanks for reading!


This just in (guess I need a makeover):

You've Changed 36% in 10 Years

Ah, the past! You may not remember it well - because you're still living in it. While you've changed some, you may want to update your wardrobe, music collection and circle of friends.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Should I be embarrassed? At least I'm consistant! (And predictable.)

Loss and Grief

I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.

So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.

Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief. So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door.

But I attribute it to the class. Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?

I'm Addicted!

OK, so there's all these things out there. If you come from a family with a history of alcoholics, you have the disposition to become one yourself. If you come from a family with drug addicts, you have a good chance of becoming addicted if you try them. Last night my mom informed me that if you are a Pisces, you have a good chance of becoming addicted to, well, anything. I'm not sure that was a statement from rigorous scientific study, or something she made up to make whatever point she was making at the time.

But I do think some people are prone to addictions for whatever reason. When I was younger and in full party mode, one day I stopped and took a long hard look at myself. My father and oldest brother were both already alcoholics, and I started to think I might be headed that way. I was drinking at least 3 nights a week, and was drinking so much each time I was blacking out nearly every time I drank. So I changed my life. I moved to another college, made new friends, and focused more on school and job than partying. I didn't stop drinking all together, but if you asked me when the last time I took a drink was, I couldn't tell you.

I also quit smoking a little over a year ago. That has been very hard for me, and very few days go by that I don't want a cigarette. But I have reasons that make me keep from buying a pack, and those reasons are winning over my lack of will power. So I'm smoke free. That's not to say I don't love walking past someone just as they exhale so I can get a little whiff. (It's a sick addiction, really!)

So what does that leave me? I never used drugs more than recreationally, and haven't even done that in over 10 years. What are my new vices? Don't we all need vices? It's arrogant to strive for perfection, and unrealistic!

Don't laugh, I do have a new addiction.... SUDOKU! I can't believe myself sometimes. Yesterday I sat at work and did literally nothing but play Sudoku. I've become quite good at it. And I actually CRAVE it when I'm not playing. What's wrong with me? Who becomes addicted to a number game? I'm a freak. I think my mom had it wrong, Scorpios are the ones with addictive personalities!! Gotta go, my Sudoku book is getting cold. Have a great weekend.

What's in a Name?

I'm weird about names. I've hashed and rehashed names I wanted to use for my children when I had them. Of course, since I haven't been able to have children of my own, that didn't work out so well. The kids I have or am adopting either came with names, or chose new names for themselves.

I also know my next dog's name years before I get them. My current dog, Louie Lobo, is the greatest, and luckily, Louie suits him. I chose the name 8 years ago while living in New Mexico and going to the University of New Mexico where the mascot is Louie Lobo. My Louie is only 2 years old. When he was -6 years old I had a dog bone stocking made for him with his name embroidered across the top. At the time, I had my sweet rotty, Joe Vandal, named for the University of Idaho Vandals. (I went to school there once too.) Knowing that I've graduated from BSU you're asking, am I going to name my next dog Bronco? No. My next dog will be Sourdough Sam after the mascot of the San Francisco 49ers. Before I got into naming them after sports team mascots, my dogs were Gypsy and Serenade. Both names came from Steve Miller songs. My best friend and roommate at the time had a cat that we named Shroom Yoka. OK, we justified the Shroom part in that he was truly mushroom colored. I'm not sure where Yoka came from, but you can probably guess our state of mind at the time.

Back to the kids. When I was younger, I wanted to give all my kids names that would be different, unique. But these days, that's what everyone does. I've got nieces and nephews with names like Tierra, Shea, Sochie, Wyatt, and Blaise. I decided I wanted my kids to have ordinary names...besides, ordinary wasn't ordinary anymore. I can't really tell you what some of my foster kids names have been, but they've definitely been unique!! Some even hard to say and spell. So I decided I wanted to use family names. But I ran into a few snags there too...I had names like Retis, Neva, Verde, Pauline, and Winnie to choose from. But I did find some that I liked...my great-grandparents were McKinley (before it was popular) and Cordia. I liked those. And I had a Samuel, William, Denise, Andrew, Matthew, and Ann to choose from as well.

But then, I couldn't have kids. When I got Allee, she had already chosen the name she wanted. Her birth name was very Catholic. She'd chosen Mackenzie Alleesun for her new name. Kneesaa wanted to keep her name because it was her siblings who named her, not her mother. She simply added my middle name to her name. (Kneesaa came from Star Wars, Princess Kneesaa of the Ewoks!) My 3 year old will keep part of his name, we already call him by his middle name. So his middle will become his first, and I'm giving him McKinley for a new middle name. My 8 year old worked with me on her name. She didn't want to keep her birth name, so she's taking Cordia for a first name, and my best friend's name, Angelique, for a middle name, and we call her Annie. It's only my 2 year old who I have completely renamed myself. And it didn't turn out as I expected. I tried several of my favorites on him for about a month, and finally decided he was an Andrew. But the middle name was even harder. Who do I name him after? I chose the middle name of the man who was my father figure growing up, the person who if I were to be able to choose a father, it would have been him. I wanted to honor him, and his middle name goes well with Andrew, I think. Andrew Atkins.

I don't know why names are such an obsession with me. They always have been. All my stuffed animals had carefully chosen names. I always renamed my Cabbage Patch dolls. (I had 16 of them.) I guess everyone has to have their thing, and this is mine.

Hear No Evil

OK, so when I was younger, I always thought older people, or people who were parents were so uptight. I couldn't really understand their anal attitudes towards movie content and language. I grew up in a movie theatre, so to speak. My family ran the only theatre in a very small town. So I watched every movie that came our way. I believe I was about 10 the first time I saw "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Big deal, right?



Remember "The Gong Show"? If so, do you remember "The Gong Show Movie"? I do. I was probably 8 or 9. My mom was married to Stormin' Norman: Bald Freak of the Sawtooths at the time. Anyway, my brothers and I were sitting up in the balcony (which was closed to the general public) watching this display of class when Norman came stormin' up the stairs and nearly dragged us out of the place. We were in an uproar. "Why can't we watch it? It's not like we haven't seen r heard any of this before!" We were all of 8, 10, and 13 at the time. As I became an adult my opinion about this really hadn't changed. I figured, kids hear things at school, even on TV, so what's the big deal about them seeing and hearing it on movies? I seemed to turn out OK, I don't think it will hurt them.

Well, now, I have my own kids. And, well, things have changed a little. At first it wasn't so bad. Annie was only 2 when I got her and didn't really seem to pick up and reuse much of what was being said around her. So I didn't really think much about taking her to whatever movie we wanted to see. Then I took her with us to see "Phone Booth." Have you seen it? Not much to the dialogue...just the same few words over and over. That's when I suddenly found myself becoming more sensitive to the language on our entertainment. Then, as Annie got a bit older, and now I have two younger boys, I became even more sensitive. Prime time TV doesn't come on in my home now until after 8:00 when the kids are in bed. (Thank goodness for TIVO.) I mean, I don't want to sound like a prude or anything, and I don't think I am. I still like my cop shows, murder mysteries and such. Blood and gore doesn't bother me. But I'm finding it's not so good for the kiddos.

My kids are all drug and alcohol effected, and have their own issues. Annie, even though she was taken from her birth mom at 18 months, still at age 8 has nightmares about the violence she endured. Maybe if my kids didn't already have their own special issues going on, I wouldn't be quite so sensitive. But I've heard what certain expletives sound like coming from a 3-year-old's mouth (taught to him by his birth family), and it really isn't fun or funny.

Where's all this going? My kids and I like to have Family Movie Night on Friday nights. I have an account with NetFlix so I never have to remember to go rent a movie, they just come in the mail each week like magic! Last week I rented "She Gets What She Wants" thinking it would just be a fun teenie-bopper movie that the girls would love. What it really was was an exercise in the many ways to say the B word. I nearly turned it off, but we got through it. My other mistake was letting them watch that volley ball movie, "All You've Got" on New Year's Eve. Then, when Annie wanted to use her birthday money to buy it I had to sit down and explain what a mistake I'd made letting them watch it in the first place and that it would be several years before they were ready to see it again.

Don't misread me here. I'm not saying any of these movies are bad (I'm not saying they're good...I'm not saying either way. But I will say I don't recommend "Phone Booth" unless you just want to look at Colin Farrell...though he's got better movies you could look at him in. OH, tangent.) I'm just saying that something in my brain has changed, and now I find myself being more sensitive to what's said and shown in movies and on TV when my kids are watching. Even the kid movies...we took the kids to see two movies on Monday, "Flushed Away" (which I do highly recommend for kids of all ages!) and "Open Season" (which was also very good) and by whatever coincidence, in both movies every deal was sealed by spitting on the hand and shaking. Seems innocent enough. Except that now I have to do this several times a day with my 3 year old. Although this is NOT as bad as spitting out the sea water from "Madagascar"! And definitely not as bad as Stuart Little teaching him to say "WHAT THE..."

OK, well, this has gone on long enough. If you're still with me, thanks for stopping by!!

Tell Me Your Secret

I was lying in my bed last night thinking about all of you. And I was wondering, where do you get the time for everything? When I started blogging, I was writing 4 times a week. And I was surfing on three different traffic generators just to get traffic. I was working full time, and raising 6 kids. And suddenly I was sacrificing everything else. Those were the ONLY things I was doing. Then I began missing things...like I love to read and used to whip through a coupld thick novels a week. I also spent time with the kids and their hobbies. We had family movie night and games and popcorn. But it takes so much time to surf these traffic generators...who has time for anything else anymore? So I'm making some changes. I am not writing on my blogs as much. I'm also not surfing as much. And my blogs have felt the decline in traffic, but they will survive. I need to read, and I need to spend time with my kids again.

How is it that so many of you are able to do everything else AND blog? What's the secret (besides buying credits)?

I know it's been a week...

I feel I should be shouting this across the universe as BSU is where I went to school:

Boise State Broncos beat the Oklahoma Sooners 43 - 42 !!!

Build or Remodel....the Dilema of the Day

One of the things I have to do for my family is find a way to get us in a bigger home. Right now, I'm thinking of just adding on to our current home, but am not sure the neighborhood association would allow us to do all we want to do. See, I need 3 more bedrooms, and two more bathrooms. Wow, writing it down sure makes it seem like a lot more than when I am just talking about it! Especially when I tell you we already have 4 bedrooms!!

But just listen. Right now, my mom lives in the master and has her own bathroom, but my 3 year old sleeps in there with her. I live in one of the rooms with my youngest baby, he's two. I have a ten and a half year old girl, an eight year old girl and a four and a half year old girl sharing the large bonus room using two sets of bunk beds. And, a few years ago, we built a walk-in closet for that room that uses up some of our garage space. Then I have a near eighteen year old living alone in the last bedroom, with a set of bunk beds.

The things that bother me and I want changed are as follows:

• I hate sharing one bathroom with all the kids (six of them)!!! I need my own bathroom, it's the only reason I grew up, so I could get my own!!
• My eight year old is my child, and I want her to have her own room, not continually have changing roommates like she does.
• My ten and a half year old is a foster child, but will be with me until she ages out at eighteen, and so I would also like her to have her own space since this is her permanent home.
• I need my own space and want my two year old out of my room. My mom also needs her own space and needs my three year old out of her room. The two boys could feasibly share a room!
• The seventeen-near-eighteen year old has to go.

So the plan for remodel would include building two bedrooms with a Jack-and-Jill bathroom and an open TV/sitting area above the garage side of the house, increasing the size of my room to make it a master suite adding a bathroom and office area, adding another bedroom on my side of the house, turning the small bedroom into a play room, and then enclosing the back patio to make a dining room so we can increase the size of our kitchen to a workable size. Is that a lot for an addition/remodel? I'd apply to Extreme Makeover, but I'm not sure I can make our story sad and tragic enough to be accepted!

And to build a house with everything we need...seems it would be awfully expensive!! I don't know which way would be best financially. What do you think?

I Need a New Picture

So I have another blog called Tales from the Angel Retreat and I take distant pics of my kids for the header. But I don't know what to do for January. It's dreary and inversiony here, the kids are back at school, any ideas? I'm asking for help. Let me know if you can think of something fun and creative for a January header. Thanks.

So what else? Um, I'm back at work. I made a New Year's resolution, did you? I resolved to write a book...the one I have an idea for, and have written like two paragraphs of. I never finish stories, how am I going to finish a whole book? I need to do this. I finally finished college (a year and a half ago) and it felt great to accomplish something...now I need to do this. I guess I'm just not really a very goal oriented person. Does that mean I'm pretty well content with my life, or just lazy? Probably the latter.

I talked before about my mom, and how scared she is about whatever is wrong with her right now. Well, she still hasn't gone to the doctor, and I can't seem to get her to go. I think she's even more scared than I'd originally thought. But at this point, she can hardly breathe...fluid builds up around her lungs and restricts her ability to breathe...and she needs to get it taken care of. I don't know why she hasn't put this at the top of her priority list. If she still hasn't called them today, I'm going to kidnap her and take her to the quick care just to get the ball rolling at least. With all her problems, you'd think she'd be the last person to let something like this go.

I'll sign off now. Thanks for reading!

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