She Had a Biopsy

A while back I wrote about my mom, and being scared that she may have cancer or something else bad. She finally went to the doctor just last week, and yesterday they did a biopsy. Thank you for those who emailed concern, I appreciate your support.

The doctors are not really concerned that it's cancer, but they did the biopsy just to be 100% certain. They are actually more concerned that it's a side effect of her medication...of one of her medications. She has Mixed Connective Tissue Disease included in that for her are Lupus and Schleraderma. She takes a boat load of meds every morning and evening. Sometimes one of the meds causes organs or skin to become leathery, and this is what they are thinking has happened. If it's the med, they will try her on something else. Meanwhile, they took her off her pain med, which isn't good, and upped her dosage of Prednisone, which really sucks! But her breathing is better now, and most days she is feeling better. But she still has days full of pain and general misery.

I hate that I can't do anything for her. But I am relieved that we don't have the cancer scare we thought we might have. Cancer or not, though, her illnesses are hard to deal with emotionally. It's not likely that she'll live to a ripe old age as have her mother (still alive at 90,) and her grandmother (died at 98.) Not that she wants to live to be 100, but she and we'd all be happy to have her around into her 80's which is another 20 years or more.

I want her to be here when Will (3) and Annie (8) and Andrew (2) grow up and have significant events happening in their lives. I want her to see her grandchildren become adults. When my oldest brother and I decided to wait to start our families, we never anticipated our parents' health failing before they reached old age. We were arrogant to think they'd be around forever. My dad is also dealing with serious health issues including diabetes, failing eyesight (part of the diabetes), and he's already lost two toes from the disease. He had to face sudden and early retirement. He can't live on his own anymore either. My brothers and I are all near 40 or already there, and we still act as though we are young adults. When I stop and think about my age, it shocks me, EVERY time.

It's good that I feel so young, but when I will I embrace reality? If I'd had children when I was younger would I feel more grown now? If my mother had not had to move in me while I was still in my mid-twenties, would I feel more grown now? Why do I take for granted that my loved ones will never grow old and pass away? What kind of Peter Pan am I? This is way off from where I started, so I'll go now. Thanks for reading!


This just in (guess I need a makeover):

You've Changed 36% in 10 Years

Ah, the past! You may not remember it well - because you're still living in it. While you've changed some, you may want to update your wardrobe, music collection and circle of friends.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Should I be embarrassed? At least I'm consistant! (And predictable.)

Loss and Grief

I moonlight on some Thursdays. My boss knows about it, so I'm OK there. I spend those Thursdays with people who think they want to be foster parents, teaching them about what their job will entail and what to expect. It's really a good introductory course to foster care. It's very general and covers a lot of ground...well, skims a lot of ground. Of course, you actually learn the most about foster care while doing foster care, as with most anything.

So there's one session in the course during which we talk about loss and grief. We talk about all the different kinds of loss people endure during the course of their lives - expected losses, unexpected losses - that sort of thing. We also discuss grief and reactions to loss. This, of course, leads into the kinds of loss and grief they will be seeing and experiencing as a foster or adoptive parent.

Now, I am not the only foster parent who helps teach this course. There are about 5 of us, and we switch it around each round as to who teaches which session. But I've somehow had the grief and loss session for the last two rounds. (And will have it again in the coming round.) The day after teaching that session the first of those two rounds, I lost my last pair of jeans to an untimely tear in the knee. I shared this loss with my class, it was a nice comic relief. So two weeks ago I taught that same session. The next day, my family and I were leaving the house, and my dog got out the front door and jetted into the street just as a truck came around the corner. Three of my children, one of their friends, my mom and I watched and screamed as we watched Louie Lobo get hit in front of our house. Luckily, he was relatively unharmed. He scraped his front left wrist but is otherwise OK. But I don't think the rest of us are. My three year old talks about it constantly, and the two older girls are much more careful when they open the front door now. I had a lot of trouble functioning the rest of the day, but am doing better now. I do notice that Louie is much more wary of the front door.

But I attribute it to the class. Now I'm afraid to teach that session again. I have superstitious tendencies (like the 49ers have had nothing but horrible seasons since I lost my lucky Niners t-shirt the day after Steve Young played his last game on that fateful day in Arizona with me sitting in the stands. If only I could find that t-shirt!) If I teach that session again, what will I lose this time?

I'm Addicted!

OK, so there's all these things out there. If you come from a family with a history of alcoholics, you have the disposition to become one yourself. If you come from a family with drug addicts, you have a good chance of becoming addicted if you try them. Last night my mom informed me that if you are a Pisces, you have a good chance of becoming addicted to, well, anything. I'm not sure that was a statement from rigorous scientific study, or something she made up to make whatever point she was making at the time.

But I do think some people are prone to addictions for whatever reason. When I was younger and in full party mode, one day I stopped and took a long hard look at myself. My father and oldest brother were both already alcoholics, and I started to think I might be headed that way. I was drinking at least 3 nights a week, and was drinking so much each time I was blacking out nearly every time I drank. So I changed my life. I moved to another college, made new friends, and focused more on school and job than partying. I didn't stop drinking all together, but if you asked me when the last time I took a drink was, I couldn't tell you.

I also quit smoking a little over a year ago. That has been very hard for me, and very few days go by that I don't want a cigarette. But I have reasons that make me keep from buying a pack, and those reasons are winning over my lack of will power. So I'm smoke free. That's not to say I don't love walking past someone just as they exhale so I can get a little whiff. (It's a sick addiction, really!)

So what does that leave me? I never used drugs more than recreationally, and haven't even done that in over 10 years. What are my new vices? Don't we all need vices? It's arrogant to strive for perfection, and unrealistic!

Don't laugh, I do have a new addiction.... SUDOKU! I can't believe myself sometimes. Yesterday I sat at work and did literally nothing but play Sudoku. I've become quite good at it. And I actually CRAVE it when I'm not playing. What's wrong with me? Who becomes addicted to a number game? I'm a freak. I think my mom had it wrong, Scorpios are the ones with addictive personalities!! Gotta go, my Sudoku book is getting cold. Have a great weekend.

What's in a Name?

I'm weird about names. I've hashed and rehashed names I wanted to use for my children when I had them. Of course, since I haven't been able to have children of my own, that didn't work out so well. The kids I have or am adopting either came with names, or chose new names for themselves.

I also know my next dog's name years before I get them. My current dog, Louie Lobo, is the greatest, and luckily, Louie suits him. I chose the name 8 years ago while living in New Mexico and going to the University of New Mexico where the mascot is Louie Lobo. My Louie is only 2 years old. When he was -6 years old I had a dog bone stocking made for him with his name embroidered across the top. At the time, I had my sweet rotty, Joe Vandal, named for the University of Idaho Vandals. (I went to school there once too.) Knowing that I've graduated from BSU you're asking, am I going to name my next dog Bronco? No. My next dog will be Sourdough Sam after the mascot of the San Francisco 49ers. Before I got into naming them after sports team mascots, my dogs were Gypsy and Serenade. Both names came from Steve Miller songs. My best friend and roommate at the time had a cat that we named Shroom Yoka. OK, we justified the Shroom part in that he was truly mushroom colored. I'm not sure where Yoka came from, but you can probably guess our state of mind at the time.

Back to the kids. When I was younger, I wanted to give all my kids names that would be different, unique. But these days, that's what everyone does. I've got nieces and nephews with names like Tierra, Shea, Sochie, Wyatt, and Blaise. I decided I wanted my kids to have ordinary names...besides, ordinary wasn't ordinary anymore. I can't really tell you what some of my foster kids names have been, but they've definitely been unique!! Some even hard to say and spell. So I decided I wanted to use family names. But I ran into a few snags there too...I had names like Retis, Neva, Verde, Pauline, and Winnie to choose from. But I did find some that I liked...my great-grandparents were McKinley (before it was popular) and Cordia. I liked those. And I had a Samuel, William, Denise, Andrew, Matthew, and Ann to choose from as well.

But then, I couldn't have kids. When I got Allee, she had already chosen the name she wanted. Her birth name was very Catholic. She'd chosen Mackenzie Alleesun for her new name. Kneesaa wanted to keep her name because it was her siblings who named her, not her mother. She simply added my middle name to her name. (Kneesaa came from Star Wars, Princess Kneesaa of the Ewoks!) My 3 year old will keep part of his name, we already call him by his middle name. So his middle will become his first, and I'm giving him McKinley for a new middle name. My 8 year old worked with me on her name. She didn't want to keep her birth name, so she's taking Cordia for a first name, and my best friend's name, Angelique, for a middle name, and we call her Annie. It's only my 2 year old who I have completely renamed myself. And it didn't turn out as I expected. I tried several of my favorites on him for about a month, and finally decided he was an Andrew. But the middle name was even harder. Who do I name him after? I chose the middle name of the man who was my father figure growing up, the person who if I were to be able to choose a father, it would have been him. I wanted to honor him, and his middle name goes well with Andrew, I think. Andrew Atkins.

I don't know why names are such an obsession with me. They always have been. All my stuffed animals had carefully chosen names. I always renamed my Cabbage Patch dolls. (I had 16 of them.) I guess everyone has to have their thing, and this is mine.

Hear No Evil

OK, so when I was younger, I always thought older people, or people who were parents were so uptight. I couldn't really understand their anal attitudes towards movie content and language. I grew up in a movie theatre, so to speak. My family ran the only theatre in a very small town. So I watched every movie that came our way. I believe I was about 10 the first time I saw "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Big deal, right?



Remember "The Gong Show"? If so, do you remember "The Gong Show Movie"? I do. I was probably 8 or 9. My mom was married to Stormin' Norman: Bald Freak of the Sawtooths at the time. Anyway, my brothers and I were sitting up in the balcony (which was closed to the general public) watching this display of class when Norman came stormin' up the stairs and nearly dragged us out of the place. We were in an uproar. "Why can't we watch it? It's not like we haven't seen r heard any of this before!" We were all of 8, 10, and 13 at the time. As I became an adult my opinion about this really hadn't changed. I figured, kids hear things at school, even on TV, so what's the big deal about them seeing and hearing it on movies? I seemed to turn out OK, I don't think it will hurt them.

Well, now, I have my own kids. And, well, things have changed a little. At first it wasn't so bad. Annie was only 2 when I got her and didn't really seem to pick up and reuse much of what was being said around her. So I didn't really think much about taking her to whatever movie we wanted to see. Then I took her with us to see "Phone Booth." Have you seen it? Not much to the dialogue...just the same few words over and over. That's when I suddenly found myself becoming more sensitive to the language on our entertainment. Then, as Annie got a bit older, and now I have two younger boys, I became even more sensitive. Prime time TV doesn't come on in my home now until after 8:00 when the kids are in bed. (Thank goodness for TIVO.) I mean, I don't want to sound like a prude or anything, and I don't think I am. I still like my cop shows, murder mysteries and such. Blood and gore doesn't bother me. But I'm finding it's not so good for the kiddos.

My kids are all drug and alcohol effected, and have their own issues. Annie, even though she was taken from her birth mom at 18 months, still at age 8 has nightmares about the violence she endured. Maybe if my kids didn't already have their own special issues going on, I wouldn't be quite so sensitive. But I've heard what certain expletives sound like coming from a 3-year-old's mouth (taught to him by his birth family), and it really isn't fun or funny.

Where's all this going? My kids and I like to have Family Movie Night on Friday nights. I have an account with NetFlix so I never have to remember to go rent a movie, they just come in the mail each week like magic! Last week I rented "She Gets What She Wants" thinking it would just be a fun teenie-bopper movie that the girls would love. What it really was was an exercise in the many ways to say the B word. I nearly turned it off, but we got through it. My other mistake was letting them watch that volley ball movie, "All You've Got" on New Year's Eve. Then, when Annie wanted to use her birthday money to buy it I had to sit down and explain what a mistake I'd made letting them watch it in the first place and that it would be several years before they were ready to see it again.

Don't misread me here. I'm not saying any of these movies are bad (I'm not saying they're good...I'm not saying either way. But I will say I don't recommend "Phone Booth" unless you just want to look at Colin Farrell...though he's got better movies you could look at him in. OH, tangent.) I'm just saying that something in my brain has changed, and now I find myself being more sensitive to what's said and shown in movies and on TV when my kids are watching. Even the kid movies...we took the kids to see two movies on Monday, "Flushed Away" (which I do highly recommend for kids of all ages!) and "Open Season" (which was also very good) and by whatever coincidence, in both movies every deal was sealed by spitting on the hand and shaking. Seems innocent enough. Except that now I have to do this several times a day with my 3 year old. Although this is NOT as bad as spitting out the sea water from "Madagascar"! And definitely not as bad as Stuart Little teaching him to say "WHAT THE..."

OK, well, this has gone on long enough. If you're still with me, thanks for stopping by!!

Tell Me Your Secret

I was lying in my bed last night thinking about all of you. And I was wondering, where do you get the time for everything? When I started blogging, I was writing 4 times a week. And I was surfing on three different traffic generators just to get traffic. I was working full time, and raising 6 kids. And suddenly I was sacrificing everything else. Those were the ONLY things I was doing. Then I began missing things...like I love to read and used to whip through a coupld thick novels a week. I also spent time with the kids and their hobbies. We had family movie night and games and popcorn. But it takes so much time to surf these traffic generators...who has time for anything else anymore? So I'm making some changes. I am not writing on my blogs as much. I'm also not surfing as much. And my blogs have felt the decline in traffic, but they will survive. I need to read, and I need to spend time with my kids again.

How is it that so many of you are able to do everything else AND blog? What's the secret (besides buying credits)?

I know it's been a week...

I feel I should be shouting this across the universe as BSU is where I went to school:

Boise State Broncos beat the Oklahoma Sooners 43 - 42 !!!

Build or Remodel....the Dilema of the Day

One of the things I have to do for my family is find a way to get us in a bigger home. Right now, I'm thinking of just adding on to our current home, but am not sure the neighborhood association would allow us to do all we want to do. See, I need 3 more bedrooms, and two more bathrooms. Wow, writing it down sure makes it seem like a lot more than when I am just talking about it! Especially when I tell you we already have 4 bedrooms!!

But just listen. Right now, my mom lives in the master and has her own bathroom, but my 3 year old sleeps in there with her. I live in one of the rooms with my youngest baby, he's two. I have a ten and a half year old girl, an eight year old girl and a four and a half year old girl sharing the large bonus room using two sets of bunk beds. And, a few years ago, we built a walk-in closet for that room that uses up some of our garage space. Then I have a near eighteen year old living alone in the last bedroom, with a set of bunk beds.

The things that bother me and I want changed are as follows:

• I hate sharing one bathroom with all the kids (six of them)!!! I need my own bathroom, it's the only reason I grew up, so I could get my own!!
• My eight year old is my child, and I want her to have her own room, not continually have changing roommates like she does.
• My ten and a half year old is a foster child, but will be with me until she ages out at eighteen, and so I would also like her to have her own space since this is her permanent home.
• I need my own space and want my two year old out of my room. My mom also needs her own space and needs my three year old out of her room. The two boys could feasibly share a room!
• The seventeen-near-eighteen year old has to go.

So the plan for remodel would include building two bedrooms with a Jack-and-Jill bathroom and an open TV/sitting area above the garage side of the house, increasing the size of my room to make it a master suite adding a bathroom and office area, adding another bedroom on my side of the house, turning the small bedroom into a play room, and then enclosing the back patio to make a dining room so we can increase the size of our kitchen to a workable size. Is that a lot for an addition/remodel? I'd apply to Extreme Makeover, but I'm not sure I can make our story sad and tragic enough to be accepted!

And to build a house with everything we need...seems it would be awfully expensive!! I don't know which way would be best financially. What do you think?

I Need a New Picture

So I have another blog called Tales from the Angel Retreat and I take distant pics of my kids for the header. But I don't know what to do for January. It's dreary and inversiony here, the kids are back at school, any ideas? I'm asking for help. Let me know if you can think of something fun and creative for a January header. Thanks.

So what else? Um, I'm back at work. I made a New Year's resolution, did you? I resolved to write a book...the one I have an idea for, and have written like two paragraphs of. I never finish stories, how am I going to finish a whole book? I need to do this. I finally finished college (a year and a half ago) and it felt great to accomplish something...now I need to do this. I guess I'm just not really a very goal oriented person. Does that mean I'm pretty well content with my life, or just lazy? Probably the latter.

I talked before about my mom, and how scared she is about whatever is wrong with her right now. Well, she still hasn't gone to the doctor, and I can't seem to get her to go. I think she's even more scared than I'd originally thought. But at this point, she can hardly breathe...fluid builds up around her lungs and restricts her ability to breathe...and she needs to get it taken care of. I don't know why she hasn't put this at the top of her priority list. If she still hasn't called them today, I'm going to kidnap her and take her to the quick care just to get the ball rolling at least. With all her problems, you'd think she'd be the last person to let something like this go.

I'll sign off now. Thanks for reading!

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