What Scares You?

Have you ever been so scared about the possibility of something that you just didn't talk about it hoping it would go away? I didn't know I was this kind of person, but apparently I am. Twice this year there have been things that scared me so bad, I just kept them to myself waiting for them to dissipate.

See, I smoked for a very long time, and I quit two years ago. (I must be honest, I miss it...terribly sometimes!) But I did it for my kids, and it's the first time quitting has worked. Probably because they mean more to me than I ever thought one person could mean to another. So here I sit, a somewhat new non-smoker. Then I started having trouble breathing. I noticed that just walking across the building at work to the mail room or another office was putting me completely out of breathe. Carrying my 3 year old to bed put me out for ten minutes. I got a little worried. I started researching the different symptoms I was noticing. And I diagnosed myself with lung cancer. Yup, I figured it out, and I started worrying about my kids and what would happen to them when I died.

But I couldn't talk about it with anyone. I was too scared of it, and I didn't want it to be real. I'm a relatively healthy person, and I wasn't prepared to have something serious wrong with me. But it finally got too bad that my family was starting to worry about my shortness of breath. So I went to the doctor. I didn't mention the cancer, and I down played the symptoms to him, hoping he wouldn't go there. And actually, the first thing he ruled out was cancer. Of course, then he started to worry about my heart...not much of a consolation!! So he ran tests and did x-rays and such. It cost me a fortune to find out I have a touch of asthma. Afterword, I felt stupid for being so scared and not talking about it.

Then here I am again, so scared about something, I don't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, my mom mentioned it the other night, so my fears are out there again, making things more real. See, my mom can't work because of a lot of health problems she has. But of all the things wrong with her, they aren't fatal. So she's been living with me for about 9 years now. The last month or so, I've started to notice she's losing weight. She's not a big person, and can't really afford to lose weight. You know what my first thought was...cancer, again. She's also been kinda sick a lot this fall. You know, a cough, a cold, nausea... Then the other night she said something about her weight. She also told me she gets shooting pains in her left breast, and now there's a hard spot. I know I'm right this time, and I want to be so wrong. And she's worse than me...she probably won't go to the doctor until they take her away in an ambulance!

Why can't I face these things? I spend my life helping kids face their fears and become healthy, stable people, but I can't acknowledge my own fears. I can't stand up and fight my own scares head on. What kind of role model am I for these kids after all? Please God, make it not be cancer this time too!!!!!!